Ah, Halloween. It's that time of year when I get to witness the magic of this beloved holiday through the innocent eyes of my child. Oh, who am I kidding? Halloween is for me. From the costumes to the candy, my kid is just an excuse to take part in all the season has to offer. So if you're sipping on that pumpkin spice latte on a haunted hayride with a terrified toddler on your lap, chances are that, like me, Halloween is basically why you had a kid.
I've always loved Halloween. My mom was an expert at turning a sweatsuit (it's cold in October in the Pacific Northwest) into every type of costume. Orange? You got yourself a pumpkin. Red? That would be a devil, duh. And black? Say hello to your friendly neighborhood spider or cat. Once, my dad dressed as Rad Dad (Hawaiian shirt, purple velour tie, socks and sandals) and we refused to go trick-or-treating with him. Only now do I appreciate how amazing that was. As I got older, I started making my own costumes from Goodwill finds and bobbing apples at parties. So, yeah, I couldn't wait to have a kid and make her do all that crap, too.
If the following are true for you, you may also have listed Halloween as a reason for bringing a little bundle of pumpkin-filled joy into the world:
You're All About The Family Costumes
Neil Patrick Harris is my spirit animal, and I will orchestrate a themed family costume until I die. For my daughter's first Halloween, we did the Ninja Turtles (my mini-Schnauzer was a very dignified Master Splinter). Year two, she was a chef with salt and pepper shakers for parents. This year, we're going as the Scooby gang, and I can't imagine a more perfect Shaggy than my kid with her crazy mop of hair.
What if my child wants to be something else? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
You Make Your Kid's Costume
I will be damned if I buy a pre-made costume from a bag. That takes all the fun out of it! For our Ninja Turtle theme, I made my daughter into a piece of pizza. It was essentially a glorified felt bib, and I cut out little pepperonis, peppers, mushrooms, and black olives and hot glued them on. It made me almost as ridiculously happy as the mini-box of Scooby Snacks I just crafted.
You Take Your Baby Trick-Or-Treating
Trick-or-treating with a baby makes no sense on account of they have no teeth and candy is bad for them and a choking hazard (at least that's what I tell myself as I eat it by the handful). Nope, I'm taking her around so the neighbors can see how freaking cute she looks in her costume, and I am not ashamed.
You Make Spooky Snacks
My kid thinks a graham cracker is a treat, so she could care less about my purple people eater pretzel stacks (with candy eyeballs!) as long as they taste good. So I have no illusions that Instagramming my candy corn shaped fruit tray and English muffin mummy mini-pizzas is about anything more than likes for yours truly.
You Have An Understanding About Candy With Your Kid
29 hours of labor with you means the KitKats and Junior Mints belong to me for all time.
You Attend All The Community Events
The year my husband was deployed, I went a little crazy on the Fall fun. We were making memories, you guys. We went to Fall Fest, Harvest of Fall Fun, Fall Fun Festival, Fall-o-Ween, Main Street Fright Fest, and Calaveritas Day of the Dead Festival. Yes, that's a lot of hayrides for an 18-month-old kid, but whatever.
You Put On All The Movies
I don't like to put my little one in front of a screen, but mama needs her Hocus Pocus. That's a staple, and my mom took me to see it in the theaters when if first came out, but that sh*t is actually pretty scary. For now, I'll get my fix with It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and Hotel Transylvania.
You Buy The Cute Little Outfits
You know what I'm talking about — the little onesie that says "Cutest Pumpkin in the Patch." When they're that young, they could care less what you put on them as long as it's not scratchy. So the mummy pajamas I put on my toddler? Yeah, those are for me. (If they had mommy and me matching ones, I think my little basic heart would burst.)
You Have A Pumpkin Patch Problem
Three. Three is the number of pumpkin patches I went to last year. I am all about feeding the goats, getting lost in a corn maze, and paying a premium for pumpkins I could more conveniently buy at the grocery store. I will get my kid's face painted like a kitty for my own amusement and squeeze into the barrel train pulled by a tractor because now that I have a child, I can.
You Orchestrate Photo Opportunities
Look, it's our family in a pumpkin stand! And here we are next to a hay bale that looks like a spider! I know you're dying to see how my daughter measures up on How Tall This Fall. Whatever. It's decorative gourd season, bitches, and I will prop my infant up against a warty pumpkin for a social media pic whether you like it or not.
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