Just when you think you've gotten used to all the disgusting things babies do (mostly unintentionally), they turn into toddlers and things get way worse. If you're wondering what I'm talking about, you clearly don't have a toddler, because when toddlers do gross things, it can take your breath away (and not in a good way).
Every parent I know has a few war stories from their time in the toddler trenches. Whether it's poop smeared on the wall, someone else's gum picked off the street corner, or peeing down the air intake vent; at some point your toddler is going to blow your mind with what they think is acceptable. In those inevitable moments, the only thing you can really do is share stories; either to commiserate, or to have the equivalent of a parent dance-off to see who wins (and trust me, no one wins) .
Truthfully, toddlers are hilarious and amazing tiny humans, despite their craziness. Sometimes, I try to use the inevitably boundary-pushing my son frequently takes part in to embrace more of my lazy mom attitude. It's hard, but honestly most of the stuff these toddlers do that's gross isn't all that bad, and it certainly won't kill anyone. Well, I'm not so sure about the poop.
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree
I know the answer to this question, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Either my mom has a really terrible memory and has blocked all the bad stuff out, or I was an exceptionally perfect child. I'm going to go with the latter, because duh.
Denial, Pure And Simple
Denial is a powerful force, but so is the desire to live in a reasonably clean house. Needless to say, you may be disgusted at your toddler for kicking around a piece of cat poop on the carpet, but you can be damn sure you're going to want to spray it down and scrub it anyway.
The Missing Chapter
Maybe I'm wrong here, but I could swear they left out the chapter about how disgusting it can be when you're a parent. I guess it wouldn't be the most uplifting chapter, though.
Is There An Award For This?
I'm pretty sure this isn't true, but it sure feels good to say it to someone, when the sh*t is (hopefully proverbially) hitting the fan. Trust me, some parent out there has almost always had it worse than you. I hope.
Annual Income Is Not Enough
The joke's on us, right? We're supposed to do this because we love our kids but, sometimes, that love does not feel like it's enough to carry me through cleaning up some fresh hell my son has created for me (including the dark blue marker all over our carpet, last week).
I Need To Know I'm Not Alone
Misery loves company and nothing feels better than comparing notes on toddlers. If you ask enough parents, someone will say that their toddler has done that disgusting thing too, I promise.
Forget It, I'm Out
If you've never wanted to disown your toddler, then you haven't spent enough time with them. Just a few weeks ago, I looked away from my 2-year-old son for less than a minute, while he was eating yogurt, and when I looked back he was spreading it all over his face and in his hair, like some kind of spa mask.
Sarcasm Is Always The Best Defense
If you haven't yet played this game with one of your mom friends, now is the time. There's nothing like it to help you feel like your kid is a little less weird, and a little less gross, than you thought.
No, But Seriously...
Why do kids stick things up their nose? Because it's there, and they probably want to know if it'll come out the other nostril. That's my guess, at least.
Can I Ask This Question Without You Calling The CPA?
At a certain point, your kid is going to become obsessed with getting their hands in their diaper. Hopefully they don't notice how much fun it is to squish poop in their hands, at the same point. I have seen it happen. It isn't pretty.