10 Texts Every Mom Sends After Her Toddler Does Something Gross

By
Share
Ad failed to load

Just when you think you've gotten used to all the disgusting things babies do (mostly unintentionally), they turn into toddlers and things get way worse. If you're wondering what I'm talking about, you clearly don't have a toddler, because when toddlers do gross things, it can take your breath away (and not in a good way).

Every parent I know has a few war stories from their time in the toddler trenches. Whether it's poop smeared on the wall, someone else's gum picked off the street corner, or peeing down the air intake vent; at some point your toddler is going to blow your mind with what they think is acceptable. In those inevitable moments, the only thing you can really do is share stories; either to commiserate, or to have the equivalent of a parent dance-off to see who wins (and trust me, no one wins) .

Truthfully, toddlers are hilarious and amazing tiny humans, despite their craziness. Sometimes, I try to use the inevitably boundary-pushing my son frequently takes part in to embrace more of my lazy mom attitude. It's hard, but honestly most of the stuff these toddlers do that's gross isn't all that bad, and it certainly won't kill anyone. Well, I'm not so sure about the poop.

Ad failed to load

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

I know the answer to this question, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Either my mom has a really terrible memory and has blocked all the bad stuff out, or I was an exceptionally perfect child. I'm going to go with the latter, because duh.

Denial, Pure And Simple

Denial is a powerful force, but so is the desire to live in a reasonably clean house. Needless to say, you may be disgusted at your toddler for kicking around a piece of cat poop on the carpet, but you can be damn sure you're going to want to spray it down and scrub it anyway.

The Missing Chapter

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I could swear they left out the chapter about how disgusting it can be when you're a parent. I guess it wouldn't be the most uplifting chapter, though.

Ad failed to load

Is There An Award For This?

I'm pretty sure this isn't true, but it sure feels good to say it to someone, when the sh*t is (hopefully proverbially) hitting the fan. Trust me, some parent out there has almost always had it worse than you. I hope.

Annual Income Is Not Enough

The joke's on us, right? We're supposed to do this because we love our kids but, sometimes, that love does not feel like it's enough to carry me through cleaning up some fresh hell my son has created for me (including the dark blue marker all over our carpet, last week).

I Need To Know I'm Not Alone

Misery loves company and nothing feels better than comparing notes on toddlers. If you ask enough parents, someone will say that their toddler has done that disgusting thing too, I promise.

Ad failed to load

Forget It, I'm Out

If you've never wanted to disown your toddler, then you haven't spent enough time with them. Just a few weeks ago, I looked away from my 2-year-old son for less than a minute, while he was eating yogurt, and when I looked back he was spreading it all over his face and in his hair, like some kind of spa mask.

Sarcasm Is Always The Best Defense

If you haven't yet played this game with one of your mom friends, now is the time. There's nothing like it to help you feel like your kid is a little less weird, and a little less gross, than you thought.

No, But Seriously...

Why do kids stick things up their nose? Because it's there, and they probably want to know if it'll come out the other nostril. That's my guess, at least.

Ad failed to load

Can I Ask This Question Without You Calling The CPA?

At a certain point, your kid is going to become obsessed with getting their hands in their diaper. Hopefully they don't notice how much fun it is to squish poop in their hands, at the same point. I have seen it happen. It isn't pretty.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

8 Things That *Will* Go Wrong Every Time You Plan A Kid-Free Night

The last time my husband and I went out to dinner alone was… actually, I can’t remember. But I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen a movie in a theater in the last year. Before we had children we used to go out all the time. But even with …
By Liza Wyles

These Photos Of North West Then & Now Will Take You On A Sweet Trip Down Memory Lane

When Kim Kardashian welcomed her first daughter, North West, with her husband, Kanye West, in 2013, her whole life was changed. The social media and reality TV star became a mom for the first time and her Instagram presence took a very adorable turn.…
By Casey Suglia

11 Photos You *Must* Take During The Last Days Of Your Pregnancy

During my first pregnancy, I took a photo each week to document my growing belly. I stopped around 36 weeks, though. I hated how I looked in those pictures, and didn't think I'd want to relive those moments. I was wrong. My second pregnancy was a dum…
By Steph Montgomery

This Is What It Means If Your Pregnancy Test Changes Overnight

The time between when a woman suspects she might be pregnant and when it is confirmed for sure is the longest of her life. Regardless of whether you are hoping for a positive or a negative result, the odds are good that you are sweating bullets when …
By Shannon Evans

6 Red Flags To Definitely Look Out For After Your Baby Falls

The first time my infant son tried to take a few steps, he tumbled and bumped his head on the coffee table. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I froze. There truly isn't anything quite like the feeling a parent gets when their little one gets hur…
By Sarah Bunton

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

This Woman Thought She Had An Eyelash Stuck In Her Eye. Then It Moved.

I'm not a person who is easily icked out. As a kid, I collected bugs and thought I was going to be an entomologist and asked Santa Claus for ant farms and nets to catch bees. I'm still super curious about anything that flies and crawls, which might s…
By Karen Fratti

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

11 Ways Your Pregnancy Will Be Different If You Have A Boy Vs A Girl

If you've been pregnant before, you might start comparing your previous pregnancies to that of your current pregnancy. A lot of things can change from pregnancy to pregnancy, based on a whole host of different factors (including how well you remember…
By Lauren Schumacker

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

12 Moms Share How They Stay Healthy During Flu Season

Unfortunately, we're in the middle of the roughest flu seasons in recent memory. And we’re not totally out of the woods, either. People around the country are still getting the flu, and, sadly, some of them are having to be hospitalized due to flu-re…
By Priscilla Blossom

8 "Mistakes" I'm Glad I Made During My First Pregnancy

As an adult, I've learned you never really stop hating being told what to do. When I was pregnant I was getting instructions at every turn, from doctors, relatives, and complete strangers on the subway. I would nod and smile but then go about making …
By Liza Wyles

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack