For me, and most parents, sex is way different after having kids. Those differences, however, are pretty surprising. My sex life is way better. No, really. It's less awkward, more intimate, and way more personal. Plus, when I fantasize about sex, my fantasies are way different. As as result, I've been so surprised at the ways my sexual fantasies changed after kids. It makes sense, though. I have pretty much always loved sex (no slut shaming, please), but now I (and my husband) sometimes have other priorities, which is completely normal when you're raising tiny humans.
For the longest time after having babies, sex was not great at all and definitely not something I fantasized about. I felt ashamed about my body, nervous about pain or not being able to orgasm, and worried about what my partner thought about the ways my body had changed. I tried a lot of different things to get my groove back, including but definitely not limited to spending time fantasizing about nights when we wouldn't have sex or imagining that I would encounter a celebrity who would fall madly in lust with me and whisk me away from my life.
Then, around the time I met my current husband, those feelings went away. We have a great sex life, but it's also totally different than before. Also surprising, my fantasies no longer involve Mike Colter or Gillian Anderson meeting me in a hotel bar. They are mostly about having some uninterrupted time alone with my husband and generally something we can try in real life. That is, when we have a child-free moment or there's not one or two of four children in our bed.
I am going to give birth to our first child together in a few weeks. To be honest, I am a little scared about how that might impact our sex life. Thankfully, we trust each other enough to share our deepest fantasies and to laugh when things don't go as planned. #ParentingProblems
The Amount Of Sleep Involved
Sometimes my fantasies don't involve much sex at all. Rather, they include long periods of uninterrupted sleep snuggled up with my husband, or sex followed by a morning when can sleep in, instead of preparing four children for school.
They Include Quickies
There's a time and place for marathon sex, but that time is not generally the present and that place is generally not a house with four kids. Sometimes my fantasies involve bathroom quickies. Sometimes they involve a contest to give each other orgasms before the kids wake up or realize that we snuck away.
Besides, now when I imagine nights of marathon sex, all I can really think about is lost sleep, which is sometimes totally worth it. Then again, we have thousands of nights to have sex so we don't have to fit all of it into one.
They Are Almost Exclusively About My Partner
Cue the loud "awwwww" or "groan," but it's totally true. I fantasize about what I would like to do with him or have him do to me, in a variety of locales and sometimes even with costume changes. Besides, have you seen him? Totally fantasy material.
I Am Way More Confident In My Fantasies And Real Life
They Are Way More Creative
When you have kids, you have to get creative about timing and location, but I've found that I have become way more creative in my fantasy life, too. It helps that I have a partner I trust, who is almost always up for trying new things.
They Involve Less Make Believe, More Reality
I also, however, fantasize about sex we've had or are going to have. No more strangers passing in the night or attempting to defy the laws of physics or the reality of my body's capabilities. It's way more fun to fantasize about things we can make a reality.
I Like Being In The Driver's Seat
Whereas I used to be a shrinking wallflower, in my fantasies and in reality, I now crave control. The person who used to never initiate is now totally comfortable in that role of sex goddess, pursuing my partner and telling him what I want and need.
They Include More Intimacy
Whether set on the beach in Hawaii or in our bedroom back home, my fantasies are just as much about intimacy as they are about hot sex.
They Are Way More Funny Than They Used To Be
Sex after having kids requires a sense of humor. While my fantasies tend to minimize the complications of having sex with kids in the house, we've had so many silly, intimate, wonderful, "real" moments that have caused us to pause romance for giggles and belly laughs. Those moments are totally worth fantasizing about.
Most Of Them Involve A Clean House
Alright, you got me, I am totally joking. Seriously though, who wants to have sex in a messy kitchen? A clean house means more options and an extremely grateful partner. I guess I've reached a point in my life where there's nothing sexier than your partner mopping the floor or folding laundry. Honey, please take notes.