Toddlers, though occasionally infuriating, are also hilarious. They say and do some of the funniest, cutest things to get a few laughs out of anyone who may (or may not) be watching, and they offer their parents a nonstop supply of adorable entertainment. They're mostly awesome, well, when they're not being complete jerks, but they're also a little, um, weird. Wait, no, creepy. Yeah, some of the creepy things toddlers do could keep you awake a night, wondering whether you've birthed Rosemary's baby.
I know this to be true, because I'm the mother of a couple of weirdos myself. My oldest is about to be three, and has become an extremely verbal child in recent months. Not all of what he says is adorable and sweet, though. Some of it really creeps me out. I get that kids say creepy things sometimes, but damn, toddlers are weird.
Sometimes I wonder what exactly is going through my son's head whenever he says or does something especially creepy. I mean, is it just a coincidence, or is he some sort of psychic? Or is he just weird, like every other toddler I've ever met? I'll let you be the judge, after you read the following 14 creepy things that toddlers do:
They Talk To Themselves
I think we probably all talk to ourselves, on occasion, but I've heard my son having very in-depth, and deeply personal conversations with himself (or his stuffed animals) over the monitor. The strange thing is that his conversations actually make perfect sense, like he actually is talking to another person, but he's not, unless there's someone living in his closet that I haven't been introduced to yet. Nope, not thinking about that. That's creepy (and terrifying).
They Talk To Imaginary Friends
Not only does he talk to himself, but he also talks to some imaginary friends or stuffed animals. He has names for all his animals, in particular, and frequently acts out conversations between them and some imaginary person nearby.
They Follow You Literally Everywhere
I mean, I love my son, but I really would like to just pee by myself for once. Even when I shut the door, he finds his way in and wants to have a discussion about Mickey Mouse with me while I'm trying to pee. It's weird and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it.
They Tell You That Your Grandma (Or Some Other Loved One) Is Going To Disappear
Yeah, so this was a strange moment in my life. I take my boys to see my grandparents a couple of days every week. He's quit imaginative, and he pretends to call him on his plastic phone almost every day. One day, I handed him his phone and asked if he was going to call his great grandma, to which he replied, "No, she disappeared." What in the actual f*ck?!
(Side note: she did not disappear. She's fine)
They Pretend They See Ghosts (Or Actually See Ghosts)
Seeing a toddler turn their attention to a random and empty part of a room, then suddenly hide under the covers, will make you question whether or not you believe in ghosts. I never thought that I did, until my son started doing this, and then telling me that the ghost scared him. Seriously?! This is one of the creepiest things kids do, and I won't lie, it freaks me out to no end.
They Lick Random Things
Or people. Just, like, gross. Kids are gross.
They Say Something Insanely Mature And You Have No Idea Where They Heard It
I haven't talk to my son about death yet, because I don't feel like he's at an age where he would really understand it (and the conversation would, in turn, be useful or appropriate). However, he incorporated the word "died" into his vocabulary recent, and I'm not cool with it. He pretends to play doctor a lot, and the other day when he was "fixing" me, I asked if I was all better. He responded, "No, I'm sorry. You died. My turn now?" Gulp.
They Spy On Their Parents
Privacy is a foreign concept to most parents when they have toddlers running around. My husband and I will be having a conversation in the kitchen, when I'll suddenly notice little eyes peep around the corner, then quickly disappear once they've been spotted. It makes me wonder how often we're being spied one...
They Smell Perfect Strangers
Again, gross. Also, the theatrics with which they sniff strangers is nothing short of humiliating, especially if they weren't to keen on that stranger's particular scent. This is one of the many times when a toddler will completely and totally humiliate you.
They Talk In Their Sleep
I have been told many times that I talk in my sleep. My husband often recaps the conversations I have in my sleep, and we both have a good laugh the next day. It's a little different when a kid talks in their sleep, though. When my son says names of people he doesn't know, or talks about things he's never heard of, I get a little creeped out.
They Growl At People They Don't Know
To the lady standing in front of us in the checkout line at Target: I'm sorry. My son was pretending he was a pirate, and I'm assuming he decided you were Captain Hook.
They Arrange Refrigerator Number Magnets Into "666"
Yup, this really happened. Obviously my son has no idea what those three numbers arbitrarily pushed together mean. Instead, he just saw three numbers that looks the same and simply lined them up. Still, rationality didn't save me from getting sufficiently spooked.