Of all the things that can be said about breastfeeding, the fact that it requires mother to sit still and (hopefully) relax, is not the the worst. I mean, you've just finished growing and delivering a human, and now you're required to re-attach said human to your body, like, six to eight times a day. I totally understand why some moms don’t love everything about it, and why, in turn, some moms who do some weird things while they breastfeed.
After all, we need to stay entertained. We need to stay awake. We need to stay in touch with the fact that we are adult humans, something that’s not always obvious when all that we’re doing is feeding and changing diapers and rocking someone else to sleep. If scrolling through one’s phone and enjoying a gif party on Twitter makes you feel alive and "normal" and capable of staying awake long enough to feed your little then, by all means, scroll away.
If you’re a breastfeeding mom, perhaps the following list of things every breastfeeding mom does will sound familiar. If you’re not a breastfeeding mom, today is your lucky day, as you will have the opportunity to hear all about the weird without actually experiencing it yourself. Yeah, you're welcome. So, enjoy as we go deep inside the breastfeeding mom experience that is as odd as it is wonderful.
Closes Her Eyes And Reflects Upon Life, Motherhood, And Milk Letdown
Not sure about you guys, but I often reached this strange, half-asleep stage when breastfeeding. Had I made an effort to write down or retain the truths that came to me, perhaps we wouldn't have so many questions about the meaning of life.
Smells Her Baby’s Head
The new baby smell is like a new car smell, but a thousand times better, because it's a baby and not a car and a baby can fit nicely on your lap.
Thinks About Totally Non-Mom Things
One would think that it would be hard to think about anything else when there is an infant literally attached to your chest. One would be totally wrong.
I've not posted any of these selfies anywhere, but I have so many of them. I like to think that they're artsy.
Watches Totally Indulgent Things
I streamed some soapy, ridiculous TV when nursing my son in his early months. Like, I'm talking the kind of shows that if he'd understood all the dialogue, or turned his head ever-so-slightly, I would have been kind of embarrassed at my mothering skills and as his (pretty valid) judgment.
Reads Juicey Internet Articles
I don't think the people who write celebrity gossip assume that breastfeeding moms are the ones who read it, but in my experience, we totally are and we love it and we make zero apologies, OK?
Text And Email Without Giving Any Clue That’s She’s Breastfeeding
To be fair, if I like someone enough to text them while breastfeeding, they are probably the type of friend who would not care at all (because, you know, what is there to care about?). Still, it wasn't exactly a natural part of most conversations (especially conversations with employers) so I rarely brought it up.
Imagines What Breast Milk Tastes Like
I assume it's pretty good because of the way my son reacts to it. Then again, my son reacts strongly to things like mud puddles and garbage trucks, so I'm not sure that's a really clear indicator.
Eats (And She May Or May Not Spill On Her Baby's Head While She Does So)
One of the first times I managed to eat while breastfeeding was a late afternoon lunch of Chinese takeout. It was beautiful, mostly for the amazing relief I felt for not having to wait until it got cold.
Drinks, And Thinks About How It’s Coming Out As It Goes In
Ain't no thirst like a breastfeeding mom's thirst because a breastfeeding mom's thirst don't stop.
Thinks About Cows
It's not that I didn't respect cows before, it's just that I didn't understand them. Now? Well, now I feel a sacred kinship with them that can never be undone.
Sighs With Tearful Relief That She’s Not Pumping
I'm so, so glad that breast pumps were invented. The existence of said contraptions single-highhandedly saved my breastfeeding career (if we can call it a career). However, pretty much every single moment I was ever hooked up to one, I wished that I was doing something else.
Admires Whatever Cuteness Her Baby is Wearing
I'm not sure how it's possible for every pair of my kid's pajamas to be my favorite pair of pajamas, but somehow it happens that way. I blame whoever's behind those fuzzy trucks and soft puppies.