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15 Things Every Grown-Ass Man Says About His Partner's Breastfeeding Boobs

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So you and your partner have had a baby (mazel tov!) and your partner has decided to breastfeed. And you may be thinking to yourself, "I'd like to be involved in this. I'm a grown-ass man." So what exactly are things a grown-ass man says about his partner's breastfeeding boobs?

First of all: good on you for proactively thinking about ways you can assist, support, and celebrate your nursing partner. Second of all: I'm happy to help. New parenthood is an odd time for everyone involved in the endeavor, and breastfeeding is basically a whole new weird experience in and of itself. All of a sudden, your family life seems to revolve entirely around your partner's boobs. Does the baby need them? Are they making your partner uncomfortable? Are they leaking? Do you need to pull over on a road trip to do something about any of these issues? You probably haven't been this preoccupied with boobs since puberty. (Like... close but not quite... and when you imagined boobs being the center of your world it didn't quite play out like this.)

When it comes to things you can say about your partners breasts now that she's using them to feed that tiny human you're caring for together, the occasional, well-placed compliment can be nice. But I recommend more all-encompassing compliments. Something like, "I love everything about you," or, "Your body is so beautiful." That covers the boobs, too!

"OK, make her feel good about herself," you might say. "But what if... you know... what if I have concerns? Concerns or opinions or complaints? Like... what if she's breastfeeding, but I don't think she should breastfeed anymore? What about if her boobs don't look like they looked before she had a baby? What if she's nursing in public and I want her to cover up? How do I talk about her boobs then?"

These are some excellent questions and, I assure you, other new dads have thought of them before you. So let me tell you what a grown-ass man says about his partner's breastfeeding boobs:

Nothing

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All of those questions? You keep those questions to yourself and you do not say anything about your partner's breasts that in any way indicates you feel you should have a say in what she does with them or how they look.

Absolutely Nothing

If you have a genuine question, like "What does breastfeeding feel like?" or "When I touched your breast the other day I noticed a warm spot, and not just the usual sex-hot vibes radiating from your breasts. I know spots that are hot to the touch can sometimes be a sign of mastitis from all that reading we did together before the baby came. Are you feeling OK? Can I get you anything?" that's fine. Because these questions are matter of fact, seeking to better understand how your nursing partner feels and how you can help, and you can even slip in a little compliment that can boost her self-esteem (because she might be feeling self-conscious about her breasts these days). These are, in short, things a grown-ass man would say.

If your comments do not seek to compliment, better understand, or help her... you do not need to make them.

No, Really, Nothing

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Because this isn't your call, bro, and her body has nothing to do with you. She's got enough on her plate right now, because she is feeding your child. She doesn't need to know all the ways you disapprove.

Nada

That's Spanish for "nothing."

Niente

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That's Italian for "nothing."

Nichts

That's German for "nothing."

Rien

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That's French for "nothing." It's the first foreign word on the list that doesn't begin with an "n," but it definitely means nothing. Trust me: I took French in high school. I'm practically fluent.

Zilch

Zilch means (you guessed it) "nothing." I always figured it was Yiddish, but apparently it's not. All sources agree its first known use was 1956 but not even the Oxford English Dictionary has any suggestions as to where it might have come from. So weird, right?! Mystery!

But you know what's not a mystery? What it means: it means "nothing" and nothing is what you should say about your partner's breastfeeding boobs.

"Have You Thought About A Boob Job When You're Done Breastfeeding?"

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Yeah, just go on up to your partner, glance disapprovingly at her chest and say, "You know, I read something the other day about Mommy Makeovers, where women who have had a baby get plastic surgery to get everything back to the way it was before they experienced something as awe-inspiring as pregnancy. I just want you to know that if you ever wanted that, I would completely support you."

That Last One Was A Test

And if you believed it for a second you failed so hard.

Absolutely Nothing About Boob Jobs

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Never, whether or not she's lactating. If she brings it up then fine, it's open discussion, but you don't bring it up ever.

Nothing About "When Do I Get The Boobs Back?"

You don't get them "back" because they don't belong to you. Never did and never will.

Absolute Silence On The Topic Of Her Boobs

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Look, if she brings it up, go ahead and discuss. Because she probably has some thoughts about the new and unusual things her body is doing these days and, hey, she likes you so she might want to hear your thoughts. But always wait for her to bring it up first. You're really there as a sounding board, not a full voting member of the High Council of Her Body.

If she doesn't bring it up, say nothing explicitly about her breasts.

Nothing Because Her Boobs Do Not Exist For You

She may haven given you a VIP pass to her body because she likes you, but do not mistake that intimate access with creative control.

Really, We Don't Know Where The Word "Zilch" Comes From?

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It just honestly boggles my mind. You'd think we'd know this one by now, right?

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