Pregnant bodies do weird-ass things. Weird-ass, gross things. I mean, my pregnant body did (twice), and I have long-suspected I'm not alone. So I asked other moms to share the most disgusting part of their pregnancy and I learned that, not only am I not alone, but I can't compete with some of the weird sh*t that goes on out there. Friends, I salute each and every one of you.
When I say disgusting, that might sound a little harsh. After all, who wants to be called "disgusting," right? Rest assured pregnant people (or soon-to-be pregnant people, or thinking about being pregnant people, or previously pregnant people), you are not disgusting. Not even a tiny bit. But damned if some disgusting smells, sights, and fluids will not emerge from your nether regions (and everywhere else) while you're gestating. If you're lucky, it will just be disgusting, and not disgusting and painful. Or you could hit the lucky trifecta of "disgusting, painful, and persistent."
Am I frightening you?
Be afraid, b*tches. Be very afraid.
Meanwhile, all the previously pregnant people in the audience are laughing as we think, "Oh yeah, been there and done that, honey." We like to swap our proverbial war stories from time to time. It lets us realize all we've endured and how far we've come. So if you feel like pulling up a seat with the other pregnancy veterans (or if you feel like you're up for a run with the big dogs) gather round, my darlings.
"We had fertility help so crinone suppositories and pulling out the extra that hadn’t come out with gravity. It was like hardened cottage cheese and I could feel it. So fun and gross. Then I could smell me because of the heightened sense of smell. No one else could, but I couldn’t stand my own scent."
"I threw up all day every day ... The worst was in the mornings when it was only stomach acid. But puking in a plastic bag while I drove to work or having to grab the trash can while I was on the toilet was almost just as bad."
"All the extra panty pudding. So much cervical mucus. So. Much."
"I had cholestasis, so my liver wasn’t functioning properly. All of the bile my liver was supposed to be breaking down was coming out through my skin, mostly the palms of my hands. I scratched so hard, my skin was constantly peeling off and it looked like I was wearing skin gloves. My arms were covered in welts from scratching and the bottoms of my feet were so gross because that’s one of the main places the bile was exiting my body."
"I went to labor and delivery, thinking my water had broken because there was so much fluid. No. And it wasn’t pee. It was sweat. Yay for being pregnant in Florida in the summer!"
"My f*cking nipples smell like armpits!"
"With my first I got a bad yeast infection on the outside of my vag, from the top all the way to my butt. My labia were so inflamed and itched so bad that they looked like two bratwurst on each side. I couldn’t walk because they hurt so bad!"
"Gestational diabetes induced halitosis. It was so bad so, so, so bad"
"The constipation associated with Zofran would prepare me for giving birth."
"I was so constipated from my prenatal [vitamins]. We were staying with my then-fiancé’s aunt and uncle and I was trying to poop. I was in so much pain. Yup. He did it. He stuck his finger up there to get my poop out."
"Having kidney stones and my husband having to sift through my pee to make sure they were coming out!"
"Two words: vulvar varicosities."
"Horrible smelling gas. I didn't even want to be around myself."
"Having swamp crotch and constant under-boob sweat was nasty. Being very pregnant during the summer both times didn't help matters much. "
"The discharge during. The fissure after."
"I started producing milk early (started leaking at 26 weeks) and got a clogged duct and mastitis at 36 weeks. It ended up becoming a golf ball sized abscess that had to be surgically drained and tested positive for MRSA. Because it was my t*t, I couldn’t really look away and saw them cut and drain it. Then I had to stick a q-tip dipped in peroxide in the hole daily to clean it then repack it with gauze. It was so awful and so painful. I had to have an IV in my arm of antibiotics and have a home nurse come change the catheter every few days then she’d tape clear wrap stuff over it real good but I had to wear a rubber glove over it to shower. Then there was the worry that the incision wouldn’t heal in time and I’d have my daughter and my milk would come in and the engorgement would cause it to reopen. It was a blessing in disguise that she was over a week late and I was induced and able to nurse. The incision had just fully healed. I have a cute scar to top it off. But I HAD NO IDEA THIS COULD HAPPEN!"
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