Babies are amazing. I mean, they're literally tiny humans a person grew inside their bodies. Talk about magic. I've had three babies, so I've learned a few things about them, too. For example, every baby is different, with their own likes, dislikes, needs, and routines. But there's one part of baby life that binds all babies together: their disgusting habits. Guys, babies are gross. So. Damn. Gross. So when I asked other moms to share the most disgusting thing their babies do, I wasn't the least bit surprised by their answers. Yuck.
From the various fluids they seem to produce and dispense all day (including but definitely not limited to drool, spit-up, vomit, and pee), to their near-supernatural ability to find the grossest thing in the room and put it in their mouths, babies are disgusting. As a mom, you either develop a strong stomach, or you spend your life on the verge of throwing up. Then there's the poop. I have no idea how tiny humans can produce so much poop, and before I became a mom I couldn't have imagined how often I would be forced touch, smell, and clean up human waste. Moms become virtual poop experts, too. We all figure out, rather quickly, what our baby's "normal" poop looks like, as well as what makes them constipated and what gives them diarrhea. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So, if you want to know (and I am not sure you do) just how gross your adorable little cherub can be, just read what the following moms have been through:
"The only thing I can think of is the time he ate a goldfish cracker off the ground at the zoo."
"My old house didn't have doors on the front hall closet, so it was pretty hard to put boots and shoes out of a crawling babies reach. My son used to crawl over to them and lick the road salt off the boots in wintertime. Absolutely the most disgusting thing anyone has ever done in front of me. We had to start leaving boots outside on the front porch."
"My 5-week-old's poops. Everywhere. Every single time she poops, it's a blowout. I've tried sizing up her diapers, and it doesn't help. I have to carry several backup outfits. I'm so sick of watery poop cleaning."
"He has recently discovered the toilet, and I have found him multiple times dipping his hand in the bowl."
"Both of my children were caught multiple times as babies licking the dogs when the dogs licked them."
"My baby is obsessed with her toothbrush. She carries it everywhere the way most kids carry a security blanket or lovey everywhere. One thing she likes to do with it that grosses me out is use it to try to brush out the litter box. Granted, it's kept clean, but it still grosses me out."
Jac Lyn, 35
"My daughter picks boogers out of her nose and either wipes it on me if I don't notice or chases after me with her finger pointed at me. She is also obsessed with our cats' butt holes. She says 'ew kitty bum' and will poke it if I don't catch her in time. I wash her hands for 15 minutes straight then sanitize them when she does this."
"I'm convinced at least 25 percent of my 11-month-old's diet consists of floor food. Where does it even come from? He has a sixth sense for hidden cheerios, puffs, or whatever that's fallen on the floor. I think he prefers it that way."
"Finger-painting with diaper contents. Hands down the most disgusting thing my kids have done. That and sh*tting in the tub."
"My 4-week-old insists on kicking her legs during every diaper change, resulting in poop smeared on her feet, my torso, and all over the changing pad."
"My middle child has always had a hyper-sensitive gag reflex. As a baby she projectile vomited nearly every time she burped. The worst was the middle of the night. Those midnight feedings often ended up with (what certainly seemed like) and entire bottle right back up and painting the walls. You could hear the splashes in the dark. I know she couldn't help it but, wow, it was disgusting."
"My little guy (4.5 months) pees in the shower every night. He watches it and then giggles about it. I think it's cute but might be slightly gross."
"My 8-month-old likes to call our older dog with his 'googoo gaagaas' and then stick his palm right in the doggie drool, ask to be licked (which his doggie brother obliges), and then he stick his fingers in his mouth. Unfortunately for us his pediatrician is on his side."
"Drinking bathwater that I know at least one of them has peed in. And probably also contains fecal matter."
"She was about 10-months-old and got the dogs kong toy. I realized what I first thought was poop was actually peanut butter. Her fingers could reach into the crevice his tongue never could. I have no idea how old it was in there."
"My 7-month-old pukes on her playmat and then kicks her legs around to spread around the vomit."
"When he was about 10-months-old, and putting everything in his mouth, he ate a piece of my 2-year-old's poo that roll out of her diaper while I was changing her on the floor. I didn’t realize what was happening and saw brown drool on his lip, and then as I pried it out of his mouth. The smell told me what it was."
"Our son picks up basically anything vaguely edible and pops it in his mouth. Popcorn off the ground at a major league baseball stadium, puddlewater, and ice chip off the floor of a beer store."
"My 8-month-old sticks her hand and feet in a poopy diaper almost as soon as it comes off, and then proceeds to try and put them in her mouth. She has actually gotten her poopy hand in her mouth more than once."
"10-month-old puts feet in his mouth any chance he gets — other people’s feet. Not his own. And he’s also discovered the trash can recently, so now if I can’t find him it’s because he’s trying to get into the garbage."
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.