It's no secret that kids say the darndest things. After all, they made a show on the subject. Still, and even knowing that, kids will routinely say the most nonsensical stuff and you'll be caught completely off-guard, wondering where on earth they could have come up with such a thing. Or they'll be so socially uncouth that you'll simultaneously fight back laughter while hiding your face in shame. You know, those "WTF, kid?" moments. Well, I asked moms to share the most hilarious WTF things their toddler has said and, let me tell you, these little weirdos did not disappoint.
I always make a promise to myself that I'm going to write down all of the ridiculous things my children say. Unfortunately (and also fortunately) they often come at you so fast you just can't catch them all. Besides, mama is busy and these gems tend not to present themselves when I have access to a designated notebook. I mean, do you know what would happen if I took my eyes off these little heathens for the five minutes it would take to go get said notebook and write down their classic one-liners? I'd wind up spending 20 minutes filling out forms in the emergency room because one of them would definitely get into shenanigans. Fortunately, we live in an age of oversharing and many of my toddlers' unwitting quips have become tweets and status updates. In other words, now they now live forever online.
So next time you see me looking at my phone at the playground, don't judge me. Instead, know there's a good chance I'm preserving my kids' hilarity for the enjoyment of future generations.
"May" And "Leah"
"May: I'll be right back, I have to make a poopy.
Leah: I'll come watch you.
May: Do you know that sometimes grown-ups like to make poopies all by themselves?
Leah: Well, that's not today."
"My son does a lot of malapropisms that crack me up, like he always says he's 'wise behind his ears.'"
Cindy And Ayla
"Daddy, I need some privacy with my toes."
[Writer's note: Oh, totally, Ayla. I feel you. Sometimes a girl just needs some one on ten time with her toes.]
"My 3 year old had saved his money and was ready to head to Target to buy something, on his own, for the first time. He picked it out, proudly paid for it himself, and had some money left over. He looked at me and said, 'Mommy! I want to buy you a coffee with my money.' Be still my heart. My eyes filled with tears.
We walk over to Starbucks and I order and inform the barista my son is treating me. She swoons, and says, "That will be $4.25." His jaw dropped open and at the top of his lungs he shouts, 'IT COSTS FOUR DOLLARS FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?!'"
"Recently, my Lego Movie obsessed almost 3 year old announced, as I was changing his diaper, 'Don't hurt Piece of Resistance!' And now, anytime he references his penis, he calls it the 'Piece of Resistance.'"
Amanda And Dagny
Dagny: What the heck?!
Amanda: You can't say that.
Dagny: What the...hell?
"My son repeatedly asks if it's May yet (when my baby is due) because he thinks he's going to be the one to deliver the baby. Recently we were talking about who will watch the kids when I'm in the hospital he goes, 'But Ma, I gotta be there to cut the baby out. Don't worry, I won't forget my scalpel.'"
Elysha and "Gavin"
"Gavin: I thirsty. Oh, dammit.
Elysha: Buddy, that's not a very nice word. Grownups say it sometimes, but it's not a nice word and you shouldn't say it.
Gavin: Oh, man.
Elysha: Oh, man is OK. You can say that.
Gavin: Grown ups say 'Oh, man.' I say 'Oh, shits.'"
Morgan And "Eliza"
"What does the end of the world taste like?"
[Writer's note: Whoa. That's deep, "Eliza." Somewhere out there, a college creative writing professor is waiting for you and you will be their favorite.]
"In the Taco Bell drive-through with my 2 year old daughter, the person passes us our sack of food and my daughter shouts, 'I take that! I take that garbage!'"
Rachel And "Jasmine"
"Jasmine: No bed now. It's not dark out.
Rachel: Yes it's bedtime. It will be dark soon.
Jasmine: Where's the moon?
Rachel: The moon will be out later after you go to sleep.
Jasmine: No moon, no dark, no bed.
[This was] repeated at various levels of shouting from her bed."
My son called his grandfather 'Orange Grampa' because Grampa [wore] an orange sweat shirt once.
"Yesterday my son did a mash up of Moana and 'Down By The Bay.' It went like this, 'I was standing at the edge of the water....down by the bay where the watermelon grows...I'm MOOOAAANNNAA.' It was one of my favorite things he's ever said."
"At [my son's] 2 year old checkup, the nurse asks him what he likes to eat. [He says] I like peanut butter and jelly on a pretzel bun. Cheese sticks, grapes and watermelon. Nola bars, too.
She laughs and tells me his vocabulary is great for his age and the doctor will be in shortly. A few minutes later, he turns to me and says, 'Hey! When is that lady going to bring my lunch?' I guess he thought he was placing an order."
My 3 year old was getting into the car after school and said, 'Today was a doozy.'
Simona And Sawyer
"Sawyer: It's so annoying to have to walk by Mr. Nobody every morning.
Simona: Who's that? What do you mean?
Sawyer: That invisible guy with the pig's head that hangs out in front of the stairs and I have to walk through his body.
[Writer's note: Sawyer, you are going to write the creepiest, greatest horror movie of all time some day called Mr. Nobody and I can't wait to see it.]
"We went out to dinner a couple weeks ago and my 3 year old saw the utensil settings the waiter gave us and immediately yelled out, 'MOM. He gave me a KNIFE.' She looked at me worried with her eyes bugged out of her head as if that waiter was the most irresponsible, worst person in the world. The waiter stood there looking at us waiting to see my response. I casually said, 'Its OK, just put the knife to the side. You don't need it.' So then she got even more animated and upset and yelled, 'BUT IT'S A KNIFE MOM. HE GAVE ME A KNIFE!' And she started waving her hands around dramatically. She looked so pissed off. The waiter looked like he was being judged so hard by a toddler at that moment it cracked me up!"
With toddler twins still in diapers, we talk about poop more than any family really should. We always ask the girls if they pooed or had a fart. So one day in the car, one of the girls lets one rip and her sister says 'Wait. Wait. Poo or fawt?'
"My daughter just told me this morning that she's 'Going to kick Donal Dump in the penis. 'And, for the record, none of us said this to her."
"My husband was changing my older son's diaper when he was almost 3. When the smell hit him, my husband said something like, 'Ugh this is a bad one' and my almost 3 year old said, 'My condolences.' My husband told him that if he knew how to use that phrase properly then he could also learn how to use the potty."
My daughter, who was about 3, [was] crying hysterically about fitting in a chair with a booster seat [saying] 'I don't fit! My vagina's too big!'
"Every time my 2 year old flushes the toilet she says, 'Here you go, potty. Eat your dinner.' So I guess the toilet eats pee and poop? I have no clue where she got this from because, seriously, to my knowledge no one taught her this. It's really gross, but also kind of funny."
"Sabrina" and "Sebastian"
"Sebastian was at the hospital after breaking his leg when he was 3.
Doctor: Do you have any questions about bones before you go?
Sebastian: Umm yeah. Does my penis have a bone?
Doctor: No, it doesn't.
Sebastian: Well actually, sometimes it does..."
I was paying a copay at my daughter's therapy office. My debit card fell, and my toddler son grabbed it and yelled, 'Momma! You dropped daddy's money!'
"My son had lined up his toy dinosaurs at the foot of his bed, where the cat, Snowpea, was resting. He said to me, very worried. 'Mommy, Snowpea needs to move. Because the dinosaurs are right there and they will eat him.'"