In my nine years of parenting, I’ve learned a few things. For example, things are always easier if you can stay calm, every stage of parenting is different, and my love for my children is unlimited. So much so, in fact, that I’ve done some really disgusting things for them. I’ve collected fecal samples, inserted suppositories, combed lice out of their hair, pulled a live tick out of my toddler’s butt, and held my asthmatic baby upright nightly while he coughed and vomited all over me. I know I'm not alone, so I asked other parents to share the grossest thing they've done for their kids, too. True to form, they didn't disappoint.
They did, however, seriously gross me out. ME. You know, the woman with five kids! It takes a lot to make my stomach uneasy, but these parents succeeded in spectacularly disgusting fashion. It seems that a parent's love knows no bounds, including a willingness to help kids poop, catch vomit in your bare hands, pull things out of noses, sort through their poop, and suck snot out of their ridiculously tiny noses. Now, I’m not saying we, as parents, enjoy these “special" moments, but we are and will always be willing to go the extra mile for our kids, and (apparently) in the most horrifying ways imaginable. Parenthood is so not for the weak of heart, or for those with weak stomachs.
Read on, if you dare, for the grossest things people have done for their kids. Let's just say that being a number one mom means becoming intimately acquainted with number two.
"My daughter was super congested and wouldn’t let the Nose Frida anywhere near her nose, so I sucked the boogers out with my mouth."
"Dug through poop every day for a week hoping to find the swallowed quarter."
"Kid got Norovirus right after I did. I was barely recovered, pregnant, and home alone. I was holding a bag trying to catch vomit, and holding [my daughter's] poop in my hand as I carried my 3-year-old to the tub. I then hand-washed a poop and vomit covered child in my soaker tub. Repeat for two days."
"At ski lessons, my 5 year-old had a giant booger hanging out of his nose, no Kleenex, and I didn't want him to have said giant booger stuck on his sleeve all day, so I wiped it away with my bare hand and then had to figure out what to do with it."
"I caught poop in my hands, because it seemed easier to wash my hands than wash the car seat."
"The other day my dear child threw their new toothbrush into the toilet, while I was using it. Thanks for making me fish around in my own pee, buddy."
My autistic 7-year-old is toilet training. He didn't want to go in the toilet, so he dropped a log down the bathroom heater vent. I got to fish that out, while the furnace was blasting the smell right at my face."
"Once my toddler — when she was about 14-months-old — ran up to me and very excitedly handed me something. I had no idea what it was, but I took it anyway because she was just so excited. After about five seconds of holding it, I realized it was a dried up dog turd. I have no idea where she found it (we were at a friend's house).
"I picked poop out of her butt when she was constipated and trying to poop, but all blocked up."
"If giving birth and then having to look at 'the footage' isn't gross enough the Nose Frida should count. That little sponge filter is not as effective as they think. LOL."
"I eat half-chewed food that my baby offers me, because it makes him so happy."
"I pried a chunk of almond out of my kid’s nose. It had been fermenting up there for months. Without a doubt the grossest smell to come out of any of my kids."
"I’d have to say it’s definitely pulling strings out of his butt. He eats fabric, I’ve had him checked for Pica, vitamin deficiency, and lead. I end up having to pull so many poo covered strings out."
"As the mom of a tube-fed kiddo, placing NG tubes and venting stomach contents and gas from a g-tube are both gross but necessary tasks. You learn quickly to overcome the gross factor, but overall grossest has to be poo. Having to give suppositories to a constipated kid and 'help the magic happen' is just not pleasant. On the other end of the spectrum, C Diff poo is the most distinct, vile, stomach churning, and disgusting form of poo that exists. Those are the diaper changes a mom will never forget."
"Yesterday, I fished my daughter's library card out of a public toilet."
"My youngest started wearing glasses at age 4. Her glasses were always dirty. I got in the habit of nabbing them off her face and lightly licking them before swiping the dirt on my T-shirt. One day, as the process started I noticed they were particularly dirty. I asked her, 'What in the world did you get on your glasses?' and she shouted out (excitedly) boogers."
"When my 2-month-old was going through a rough formula switch to hypoallergenic, it made him severely constipated. Under direction of a pediatrician I gave him something to help, while he cried in pain for about two hours. He was screaming and kicking so hard that I literally could not put a clean diaper on him. So instead, I just continued to hold him, naked, and continued rubbing his tummy while he peed all over me. After rubbing his tummy and soothing him, he finally went poop. Not kidding, probably four cups came out of my poor baby, and all of it was sticky and weird and smelled like Alimentum. I was absolutely covered in it. So I took my clothes off and continued snuggling my sweet boy, and all I could think was how happy I was he was able to poop."
"Caught vomit with my hands on purpose and my mouth on accident."
"We were visiting my mom, and my daughter was throwing up all night. At one point my husband and I just sat there taking turns holding her so she could throw up all over us equally. It was a nice bonding experience. Rather, 'vomding' experience."
"Both toddlers had diarrhea for upwards of a month. During that time I sifted through the partially digested food and liquid excrement to collect samples that had to be refrigerated, frozen, and sat out at room temperature. The smell was rancid, the texture was probably worse. 10/10 would not recommend."
"I’ve breastfed a miserable sick baby while I was pooping."
"My son saw a nearly dead immature bird on our picnic table one afternoon. He insisted I save it. So I picked it up (ugh), put it in a box, and brought a nearly dead wild bird into our house. I put a heating pad under him and hoped for the best. We set a perfectly happy bird free the next morning."
"My son dropped his brand new Lego watch in the toilet. The toilet he just pooped in. He was 5, and he was so excited to get that watch, I couldn’t let his little heart break. I dug it out with my hands, covered in poo, and cleaned it with soap and hot water. He still has the watch, six years later."
"I’ve let my child vomit all over me instead of the couch or bed. Too many times. It’s easier to wash myself and toss my clothes in the washer than it is to clean the couch.
"Stayed married much longer than I should."
"One time when my youngest was just over a year old, I was seeing how he would do on regular milk. It made him horribly constipated on the first try, and he couldn’t poop for almost two days. He was crying during a diaper change and I saw that he had a rock-hard turd lodged in his poor little baby butt. I was about to take him to the hospital, but decided to try and help him first. Here’s where sh*t gets weird. I put Vaseline on his butthole, which was already dilated from this massive rock poop, and used a soft tip baby spoon to stab the center of the turd. Unfortunately the soft tip was no match, so I had to use the handle of the spoon to poke the center of this thing. After massaging more Vaseline on his poor little butt and making sure the little spoon handle was nowhere near his rectum, I pooped the turd out of his butt like it was a lollipop. He stopped crying immediately and let out a giant wave of regular poop that had been blocked by the turd pop which I was now holding on the end of this baby spoon. He was so relived, and I was covered in poo."
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