I grew up surrounded by mothers who nursed, so I just knew that when I became a mom I would be breastfeeding. I never once questioned if breastfeeding would be right for me. Instead, I considered it to be the thing expected of me. Then I had my baby and quickly realized that the "natural" thing I was "supposed" to do was hurting me. Breastfeeding actually made my postpartum depression worse, proving that breast isn't always best after all.
It took a year for me to be properly diagnosed with postpartum depression, which means I spent a year being disconnected from my friends, my family, and my baby. I spent a year feeling ashamed, as if something was wrong with me, as I struggled to care for a newborn when I could barely take care of myself. By the time I reached out for help I felt as if my baby was a stranger, and was convinced my inability to breastfeed had created a distance between us that I was destined to endure for the rest of my life.
What I didn't know then is that if I had stopped trying and struggling and trying some more to breastfeed, I could have put my mental health first and, as a result, probably would have received a diagnosis sooner. If I had made myself a priority, I could have found myself healthy enough to fully focus on my baby and my new life as her mother. But, instead, I continued to try breastfeeding because it's what I thought I was supposed to do. So with that in mind, and because no woman should feel pressured to nurse and especially if it's a detriment to her health, here are a few ways nursing made my postpartum depression worse:
It Made Me Resentful
I hated breastfeeding. I dreaded every single feeding, and when my daughter wasn't hungry I was anxious for the moment she would be. Every single feeding made me loath the entire experience, so before I knew it I was knee-deep in an always-present resentment that made me irritable and angry. It all just fed my depression, and pushed me deeper into a very, very dark place.
It Convinced Me My Baby Hated Me
After a while, it was hard not to take my breastfeeding struggles personal. Every time my daughter struggled to latch I felt as if she was somehow trying to hurt me. Every time she cried for a feeding I thought she was trying to drive me clinically insane. It wasn't logical, sure, but postpartum depression isn't logical. I was convinced that my baby hated me, and our breastfeeding struggles only made it worse.
It Was Another Obligation I Couldn't Handle
As a new mom I was under a lot of pressure to "do it all." I had to heal from childbirth, enjoy my baby, breastfeed, survive on little sleep, and all with a smile on my face. I was so focused on everything I thought I had to do, especially nursing, that I overlooked the things I really needed — like help, space, and self-care. Formula-feeding would have allowed someone else to step in for feedings so every single session wasn't my responsibility.
It Made Me Constantly Tired
Breastfeeding was incredibly demanding. I was constantly tired, and that fatigue only fed my postpartum depression. I never had time to rest or re-center or even get back to neutral. I felt too exhausted to do anything, including seeking the help I needed.
It Demonized Formula
After that first feeding I knew I wanted to switch to formula... I was just too terrified to say it out loud. All I have ever heard is "breast is best," and all I've ever seen was formula-feeding moms being shamed for being "selfish." There was a safe, healthy alternative a supermarket away -- one that would have allowed me to sleep and enjoy full bodily autonomy -- and I didn't use it because I was too afraid of what everyone else would think about me as a mother.
It Made Me Feel Alone
Every breastfeeding mom I knew was happy, and loved to nurse her baby. So I was isolated, and alone, and felt like I had no one to turn to, especially when I needed to talk about my feelings. That isolating kept me in my postpartum depression, unable to seek the help I needed and deserved. If I had listened to my intuition and done what was best for me, I wouldn't have been suffering alone... and in silence.
If you or someone you know is experiencing postpartum depression, contact the Postpartum Health Alliance toll-free at (888) 724-7240 or Postpartum Support International at (800) 944-4773. If you're experiencing an emergency contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or dial 911.