I hate it when people treat dads like dolts, incapable of doing basic parenting tasks like feeding babies or changing diapers. I think it reinforces harmful stereotypes. I don't think men should be treated special for being dads, either, so I'm not a fan of people praising dads for doing things moms do every day without acknowledgement. So if you, like me, have high (read: fair) expectations of dads, know that there are things your husband will do during your baby's first pediatrician visit that will totally annoy you.
My husband is a great dad who takes a hands-on role in co-parenting, no questions asked. But guys, even my husband is not immune to doing annoying things at the doctor's office. For him, things always start with a proverbial dad joke. For example, when the receptionist asked for the baby's name, he turned to me and made a joke about not remembering which kid it was. Then he legitimately forgot our baby's birthday, but to lighten the mood made yet another joke about the baby not being his. I try to have a good sense of humor about such things, but somehow — when I was a couple of days postpartum — none of these jokes seemed funny. At all.
Then, after the doctor reviewed our baby's sleeping and eating schedule, he literally asked her something she just covered. Like, was he even listening? I knew, logically, that he was probably almost as tired as I was, but pay attention, good sir. Then he told the doctor that we were co-sleeping. I quickly jumped in to correct him and clarify that we were "room-sharing" and not "bed-sharing," but I was mortified. Luckily, the baby pooped, which meant a break from the awkward tension in the air. Then we realized that he forgot the diaper bag in the car and, well, the awkward tension returned, with a side of stink. FML.
So if you are pregnant, or have a new baby, and your partner is as "funny" as mine, you might want to share some advice on what not to do at your baby's first (or any) doctor's appointment.
He'll Forget Your Baby's Birthday
I totally understand how exhausting the first days of parenting can be. I, myself, had "mommy brain," and couldn't remember sh*t. But guys, I was mortified when my husband said the wrong birthday. I was busy trying to feed the baby when the receptionist asked, "Are you sure?" Awkward.
He'll Crack Inappropriate Jokes
My husband is hilarious. Well, he thinks he's hilarious. He's literally always cracking jokes, but, somehow, his silly "dad jokes" didn't seem so funny when I was trying to cope with sleep deprivation and recovering from childbirth. I may have shot him a death stare when he said, "I don't know," after the nurse asked if he was our baby's dad. Dude! Just answer the freaking question.
He'll Forget Your Baby's Name
Was he joking or did he legitimately forget our new baby's name for a second? I may never know, but it annoyed the hell out of me.
He'll Ask Questions About Material The Doctor Already Covered
I needed my husband to pay attention during our baby's doctor's appointment. I was so exhausted, so I needed another person to keep track of the information our baby's doctor was throwing at us in rapid-fire succession. So, yeah, when he literally asked her about something she had just said, it made me so mad.
He'll Blame You
OK, I was probably at least partially to blame for being late for our appointment. And, yes, it's probably also my fault that our baby wants to be held all day long. I didn't expect my husband to blame me for these things, though. Jerk.
He'll Make Comments About Poop
It seems like babies always poop at the doctor's office. It's like a law of nature or something, but my husband didn't have to say something about it. It was so crappy.
He'll Tell The Doctor Something You've Asked Him Not To
I was really nervous about talking to our baby's doctor about breastfeeding (it wasn't going well), and sleep (it also wasn't going well). My husband is unfailingly honest, so I didn't expect him to lie, but I also didn't expect him to bring these things up without prompting. Ugh.
He'll Forget The Diaper Bag In The Car
When our baby inevitably pooped, of course, we realized that my husband had left the diaper bag in the car. Then we had to ask the nurse for a diaper, and, of course, they didn't have any in the right size. I wanted to crawl through the floor, but instead I sent my husband to the car to get the bag he didn't feel the need to bring inside the doctor's office with us. He had one job. One job. Seriously.
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