Life
It took me a while to find the person I was going to do life with. I'm talking a lot of heartache and kissing a lot of frogs. Given what I went through, I'm not about people creeping on my partner, including my 2-year-old daughter. No, it's not just you and you're not being irrational. Toddlers may be tiny, but they are sneaky and possessive as all hell. If they exhibit any of the following signs, then your toddler is definitely trying to steal your partner away from you.
My husband and daughter have a very special relationship. They're each other's favorite playmate, and I constantly catch them making up some new game (you know, the floor is lava or boop Daddy's nose) and laughing hysterically. Given that my biological father was estranged from me most of my life, this relationship is something I'm grateful for. My partner and kid are two peas in a pod, right down to their "Joe faces." That doesn't mean I don't get jealous, though. I mean, to be fair, the child did have to do without her dad for a whole year when he was deployed, so would I really begrudge her somewhat possessive behavior of him? Turns out that yes, yes I would.
So if you wake up one morning and find yourself alone, it's because your toddler absconded with your partner in the night and they're living happily ever after. Don't say I didn't warn you.
They're On A First Name Basis
I about spit out my cabernet the first time my daughter used my husband's first name. I'm not sure what was worse — that, or when she called him "babe." I mean, I know she's just repeating what she hears, but let the record show that she's never called me anything but "mommy."
They Turn On The Charm
This is especially true if you're a stay-at-home parent and your partner works. Your toddler will have spent the entire day pushing every last button you have and installing new ones (A bigger mess? Challenge accepted!). But when your partner comes home, your own personal Mr. Hyde undergoes a transformation, making you look like the "difficult" one.
They Get In Between You
Like, physically. Any time my husband and I manage to sneak in a couple's snuggle, that little stinker worms her way in between us. It's like she doesn't want to me get any ideas about who the real little spoon in this family is.
They're Possessive
Toddlers are a selfish group to begin with. Minnie Mouse castle? Mine. Bed you sleep in? Mine. Half-eaten string cheese in your mouth? Mine. I get that it's developmentally appropriate, but I definitely choked on said string cheese when my kid uttered the words, "No, mommy. My Joe."
They Push You Away
At first, I thought it was funny. Like, one time. But by the fifth time she'd planted her little palm on my face and removed my head from my partner's chest, I was over it.
They're Defensive
I made the mistake of giving my partner a loving swat on the ass in front of my kid. Big mistake. She patted him and said, "Daddy OK?" and turned to me, shook her finger, and pronounced, "Mommy no hurt daddy." Yeah, she's taking sides, and it's not mine.
Their Dates Are Better Than Yours
The other weekend, my husband texted me some pictures of him and my daughter during their day out together. They'd spent the morning shopping for outlandish Christmas lawn decorations at Home Depot and followed that up with lunch at Five Guys. That sounds pretty damn good considering our weekly date is attempting to get our toddler to go to bed in time to watch The Walking Dead on Sunday nights (and she definitely attempts to sabotage this).
They Say They're Going To Marry Them
My daughter isn't super verbal yet, so this hasn't happened. I did, however, catch the two of them two-stepping to our wedding song in the kitchen. Nice move, kid.
I know it's a fairly common occurrence for kids to say they want to marry their parents. Experts say they're just expressing their special love for that person, but moms are wise to their game — straight up partner piracy. Whatever. Enjoy your football, jerks.
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