There are so many things I want to teach my son. Honestly, the list just keeps on growing; how to throw a football, how to have safe, consensual sex; how to read music; how to negotiate for a raise; you name it, and I want to be the person to teach it. However, I've quickly learned in the two years that I've been a mom, that my son is teaching me things just as often as I'm teaching him. As a result, I can only assume there are things your baby wants you to know about postpartum sex, just like there are things about sex I want my son to, one day, know.
Of course, my kid has no idea what sex is, let alone that his mother and father are having it. He wouldn't know what it is if he saw it or heard it, so it's just my imagination hard at work when I think about postpartum sex and what my kid would want me to know about it. My imagination and, of course, wishful thinking. Motherhood is filled with self-doubt and judgment, and women are (more often than not) desexualized the moment they procreate. (Thank you, patriarchal culture. You're the absolute worst.) Some validation — especially from the one person I am now committed to taking care of and being the best version of myself for — would be nice, even if it's nothing more than a gentle reminder that sex isn't "bad" and having sex doesn't set a "bad example for your kid" and you're entitled to a sex life, even and specially after you have a child.
Since there's no way to know what your baby is thinking at any point in your postpartum life, you might as well just go with the flow, do what's best for you and let your imagination fill in the holes. So, with that in mind, here are a few things I would like to think every baby whats their mom to know about postpartum sex.
"Oh, So That's What You Were Doing! I Thought We Were On A Boat."
I mean, I'm sure the kid has to at least be a little excited that they're no longer "along for the ride." I can only imagine what a baby is thinking during pregnancy sex, so whatever it is they're thinking when you're getting it on postpartum has to be infinitely better, right?
"No, I Can't Hear You. That Much."
I don't know about you, dear reader, but I was really worried that my newborn son would hear his father and I having sex and think the worst of the worst (I know, I know, he wouldn't have a clue as to what he was even hearing, but whatever). I made it a point to stay as quiet as possible so I wouldn't wake the baby and alert him to my, um, extracurricular activities.
I'm sure, really, there was no reason to be as vigilant as I was. When my kid sleeps, he sleeps, and there's no way he heard my partner and I getting out freak on.
"No, You're Not Scarring Me"
Your kid has no idea what you're doing. Even if they wake up and catch you in the act, you're not harming them mentally or scarring them for life. They won't know what they're looking at and, even if they did, they wouldn't remember.
Plus, sex isn't some horrific, shameful thing that harms people. When it's safe and consensual and respectful, it's normal and natural. Just because there's a social stigma, doesn't mean it's harmful to your child.
"You Deserve To Feel Awesome..."
Your kid doesn't want you to be miserable, contrary to the sometimes prevalent belief that creeps into your head at three in the morning when your kid is refusing to sleep and you're edging towards the edge of sanity. When you're happy your kid is happy, and studies have shown that your mental and emotional state can actually affect your child's.
So, if some well-deserved sexy-time is your version of self-care, I have a feeling your kid would want you to indulge.
"...So Get Yours!"
You do you, mom. You do you. Whether that means you engage physically with a partner or you have some intimate one-on-one time by way of postpartum masturbation, you deserve to feel good.
"Motherhood Doesn't Mean You're No Longer Sexual"
Just because a mom doesn't mean you're not longer a sexual being with sexual desires. It doesn't mean you need to hide or downplay your sexuality and it definitely doesn't mean your sex life no longer exists.
As a human being with a mother, can I say that I want to think about my mom having sex? Nope, I cannot. That's not really a picture I want painted in my mind. However, my mom is a human being and, as such, shouldn't keep herself from having sex — arguably one of the best parts of the human condition — just because she chose to procreate.
"Trust Me, I'm Glad I'm No Longer Inside Your Belly During These Little Sex Sessions, Too"
If you thought pregnancy sex was awkward, just imagine being a tiny little fetus inside someone's body while they have pregnancy sex. I mean, that's got to be weird.
I was so happy to have "normal" sex again; sex that didn't involve a large pregnant belly. While postpartum sex was pretty uncomfortable too, and even painful, I will take postpartum sex over pregnancy sex any day of the week. (As long as there's a lot of lube, of course.)
"You Better Not Be Making Me A Sibling. I'm Not Ready To Share You, Yet."
Trust me, kid. I'm not ready to make you a sibling. Not yet, anyway.
"I Can't Wait To Make You Uncomfortable When I Inevitably Ask You What You're Doing"
Ah, the circle of life.
I'm, personally, pretty exited about having the "sex talk" with my son. I think it's such an important discussion to have and I don't think sex is an inherently bad or "dirty" or shameful thing, so talking to him about consent and safe sex is just a normal part of parenthood. However, I'm sure it will still be a little bit awkward and somewhat uncomfortable and, well, this is why wine is a thing.