It's been years since I was pregnant from June to August — eight, to be exact. But the fact that it's been nearly a decade does not stop me from thinking back to that time I was struggling through a third trimester at the height of a New York City summer. In those sweat-soaked, miserable moments all I could do was think of the things I'd rather do than be pregnant in the summer. (Hint: basically anything.)
It might seem hyperbolic, but the slightest whiff of heat and humidity brings me right back to the day when I felt like I was a million years pregnant and waddled everywhere and was generally just so uncomfortable I wanted to cry all the time. It's muscle memory, folks. Once your body has gone through something so intensely irritating, I believe it alters you on a cellular level. The experience is with you always, just waiting for the right trigger to bring it all rushing back.
So if you're pregnant this summer, my friends, please know that I feel you. I feel you hard. I know your pain and I want you to know that, yes, it's just as awful as perceive it to be. The good news? It will be over soon.
But to assure you that I understand where you're at, here's a list of things I'd have preferred doing to being pregnant during the summer:
Literally Live In A Swamp
I mean, it feels like you live in one anyway, so you may as well go for it, right? You could have a little hut and learn the ways of the swamp and befriend a crocodile and a kindly family of possums and become a swamp hag... or whatever.
A life of swamp witchery feels like it would be way more satisfying than a summer pregnancy. At least then you could talk to animals and probably travel everywhere by boat, and who doesn't like traveling by boat, right?
Forgo All Other Activities To Live Directly In Front Of A Fan Or AC
Seriously, just stop going to work, performing household chores, seeing friends, socializing, grocery shopping, or anything else. Instead, lift up those glorious boobs and let the cool air blow on them all damn day. Yeah ,you'd run out of money and probably starve but, you know, #worthit.
Set My Crotch On Fire
It just makes sense, and if you don't think it makes sense you've clearly never been pregnant before.
Go To The Equator
If you're going to sweat your face off and not want to move for three months, I feel like you should do it in a new and exciting location: Colombia, Kenya, and the Maldives. Indonesia is probably lovely this time of year. Maybe check out Indonesia? The food is amazing.
Suffer The Consequences Of Being Naked All The Time
Is it legal? Generally not. Is it harmful? Not even a little bit. As such, I feel like it's totally fair to go around completely au naturel if it means you can be just a wee bit more comfortable this very hot and muggy gestating season.
Everyone can go ahead and deal.
Painstakingly Build A Time Machine To Speed This Up
I would never wish for a baby to be born before they're ready to be born. But it would be worth the effort of obtaining a degree in theoretical quantum physics and building a machine to speed up linear time as we experience it, skipping right to your due date in a way that's safe for your fetus.
Live In My Bathtub
It doesn't even have to be a fancy bathtub in a nice bathroom! Seriously, any sort of tub that can contain several gallons of cool water will suffice. And if, over the course of that time, you find yourself evolving into an aquatic mammal, like a seal or a hippo or whatever, I feel like that's a small price to pay for keeping cool.
Go On A Reality Show Where I Have To Live In A Sauna For 3 Months
Just as it feels like you're living in an especially fertile swamp, it also feels like from the time you wake up to the time you eventually fall asleep (only to wake up a couple hours later to pee) you're in a sauna.
I feel like we're only a minute away from the next dumbass reality show where people are challenged to live in a sauna with multiple unstable strangers for an extended period.
A pregnant woman is already potentially volatile and dripping sweat at all times, so I feel like it'd be much nicer to win the cash prize at the end of this hypothetical reality show... and maybe earn yourself a spin-off.
Complain Nonstop For 3 Months
(Honestly, that's probably already happening but, sadly, isn't making anything any better.)
Open A Water Park Under My Boobies
Underboob sweat is always a challenge, but for a pregnant body the struggle is real and it is uncomfortable and you may as well make some money by charging admission.
Be Pregnant In Another Season
IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN THIS!
(Godspeed to you, pregnant friends.)