In case you didn't know, kids are gross. From diaper blowouts and milk vomit, to cradle cap and their affinity for bugs and other small insects, there's no shortage of ways a child will undoubtably turn your stomach. But the real "fun" begins when your child starts putting everything, and I mean everything, in their mouth. Kids eat the grosses things, you guys, and almost any mom can share a story (or two!) to prove it.
I have five children, so you'd think I'd be more than used to all the gross things kids eat by now. And, in some ways, I am. Just yesterday, a fellow mom came up to me at the park and asked, "Did you know that your child is eating an apple he dropped in the sandbox?" She made it sound like an emergency, but I just shrugged and thought, "Eh, at least he's eating fruit."
But there are some culinary habits that are too gross for me to accept. Like, for example, when my toddler ate a butterfly off the grill of our minivan, or when his older brother had a nosebleed and licked the blood right off his finger. Then, there was the time their sister ate already-chewed gum she found stuck to the counter at an indoor playground.
I do found find some solace, solidarity, (and the urge to vomit) when I learn other moms have witnessed similar foul acts. Like I said, kids are gross, my friends, and the following moms can prove it:
"My oldest ate off the scab after he got a wart removed. He was 5 at the time."
"My 2-year-old will occasionally take a big bite of my hair and give me the biggest, most satisfied grin, with curly hair stuck between all of his teeth."
"Once, we walked into my friend's kitchen and my son had pulled a chair up to the counter and was eating her Kerrygold butter by the handful."
"My kids all went to the same in-home daycare and a kid who went there years before them put his applesauce on his macaroni and cheese. The tradition carried on. We are out of daycare now but they still ask for applesauce on their mac and cheese."
"When my daughter was like 4 or 5, I found her with a bag of hot Cheetos someone had left at my apartment. She was dipping them into a cup of water to get the spicy off and then eating them. Then she drank the water."
"My son’s favorite thing by age 3 is to take his fingernail and dig it into a whole grilled fish eye, remove the eyeball, and eat it. He’s now 10, and will eat the weirdest fish-related stuff like he’s a tiny Anthony Bourdain."
"He ate an open, half-eaten bag of M&Ms he found on the playground."
"My kids all drink their bath water, and have taste-tested their poop when they've pooped in the bath, too."
"My daughter is 1. She once ran over, while I was changing her older brother's diaper, grabbed his genitals that were covered in poop, and stuck her poop-covered hand in her mouth while I screamed "No!" desperately. It was horrific."
"My daughter was 2 and she stuck a pebble-sized poop ball in my open, sleeping mouth."
"My kids are both just perpetually eating their own boogers. My toddler drinks stagnant water on an every-other-day basis. It’s a wonder he hasn’t got Typhoid or died of the Dysentery or something."
"When my now-11-year-old daughter was a crawler, she used to stuff bits of cat hair in her mouth."
"Just now, my 7-month-old started eating a piece of dog food. Which, of course, reminded me of when my older daughter was about 1.5 or 2 and actually ate one. Chewed it up and everything."
"My kids were only 10 months apart. So I had one that had just started walking, and one that was just crawling at the same time. My oldest was walking and he had diarrhea. The smell of it was making him throw up. As I was getting him to the bathroom, he threw up all the way down the hall (like cottage cheese-type stuff). I got him in the tub and saw my daughter crawling down the hall, eating his throw up along the way.
I, of course, screamed, grabbed her, and brought her to the bathtub to be in the bathtub and get cleaned up with my son. That was the day I realized I was not ever going to win mother of the year."