Valentine's Day

couple in bed together
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15 Dirty Valentine’s Day Jokes To Set The Mood

Because funny is freakin’ sexy.

For being a holiday built on the basis of love and sex, Valentine’s Day seems like such serious business. If you’re happily coupled, you’re probably preoccupied trying to pick out a present for your partner (and, ahem, hoping you get one in return) and making sure that everything is picture perfect. And if you’re single as a pringle, you might be celebrating the holiday with your closest galentines, commiserating about the lack of potential partners out there. But where’s the merriment and mirth that should be a part of a day that’s all about appreciation and, you know, passion? If you need an ice breaker or some playful way to let your loved one know what’s in store for later, these dirty Valentine’s Day jokes will totally turn you on.

But are jokes supposed to be sexy? Shouldn’t Valentine’s Day jokes just be cheesy odes to love? Not at all. In fact, funny is sexy in so many ways. Making a loved one laugh is foreplay at its finest. So if you’re looking to giggle with a gal pal (or send your sweetie a message), you can use these dirty Valentine’s Day jokes as a way to show them what’s to come.


You’ll never look at your kid’s cocoa the same way again

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We’re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You’re hot and I want to be on top of you.


TBH, it’s a big bow and arrow

Is that Cupid’s arrow in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?


Big on the booty

I like your style, I like your class. But most of all, I like your ass.


Every rose has its thorn

Guys are like roses. Watch out for the pricks.


With a side of sausage, please.

You’re like breakfast: great in bed.


Not the way you remember it from childhood

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I’m using my hand

Thinking of you.


It rhymes with “clock”

I love you around the clock

I love your body, your mind and your soul

And not just your massive… heart.


You never know what you’re gonna get

Iryna Veklich/Moment/Getty Images

I’m going to eat you like a box of Valentine’s Day chocolates.


This ain’t Build-A-Bear, baby

I don’t want a stuffed animal for Valentine’s Day. Stuff me instead.


It’s like buttah

I’m like butter. You can spread me anytime.


Good thing VC had that 7 for $35 panty sale

Roses are red

Violets are blue

My panties are wet

Just thinking of you.


Magical creatures

You make me feel like a unicorn. Wild and horny.


Yes, it all adds up

Tonight, 2/14 is going to add up to the number 69.


Has a nice “ring” to it

Some girls want a big rock on Valentine’s Day. I want something that rhymes with that.


Telling it like it is.

Having your period on Valentine’s Day

Is a pain in the ass.

Even though Valentine’s Day might seem like it’s all about sweet love songs and romantic gestures, let’s get real: it’s about the sex, sweetie. And if you’re looking to get some action between the sheets, in the shower, (or heck, your laundry room), break out one of these dirty Valentine’s Day jokes for some giggles — and hopefully some orgasms, too.