So I didn't know this, you guys, but apparently I am every single possible mom stereotype there ever was, is, or could be. I know, I know, moms hate labels, but consider this just a fun way to think about yourself and all the other moms you know. I bet everyone fits into these little boxes, or maybe in many of these boxes, all at once. If you've never really stopped to think about the mom stereotypes we are all seriously close to becoming, this is your chance to look deep inside yourself and admit the harsh truth: you're probably a stereotype of some sort, and you're definitely not alone.
Whether you are a "Granola Mom" or a "Silky Mom" or a mix of the two, you know you have your quirks. You know you're dangerously close to the edge of some new mom label. Even if you're the mom screaming, "Enough with the labels!" you have now sufficiently earned yourself one. For example, if you don't like labels you've become the "No Label" mom, or the "Offended By Everything" mom, or — my personal favorite — the "Debbie Downer" mom. That's right, whether you like it or not, you will be labeled.
You see, our society enjoys filing us all into very specific boxes, because it's much easier than taking the time to get to know us, one by one, with all our quirks and complications and multifaceted personality traits. But we all do that to each other. We look around the playground, checking out other parents, and we make our observations. These observations don't have to be judgmental at all, either. They could be something as simple as, "Wow, there are a ton of dads on the playground today. That's great." My point is, just because the people in our society enjoy labeling each other, doesn't necessarily mean that's a negative thing. Sometimes labeling is useful, and sometimes it's just fun and silly. If we don't take these too seriously, we can learn to just take them for what they are: a way to laugh at ourselves.
The "Egg-Timer" Mom
You know this mom, my friends. She has a planner, a calendar, and an app on her phone. She's purchased a breastfeeding timer, a potty watch, and a command center for her kitchen. She's super structured and will not skip a nap no matter what. Nap times are sacred and she doesn't care if the world is ending, she will stick to the nap schedule. She's rigid, inflexible, and refuses to accommodate to anyone else's schedules.
I may or may not have a command center in my kitchen, and I definitely will admit to owning planner. I wasn't too flexible with nap times when my kids were babies, but after they turned 1 or so, plenty of naps were skipped for one reason or another.
The "Do-Over" Mom
So, just because I never got a chance to do any activities as a child doesn't mean that's why my kids are in a bunch of activities now. And also, just because my interests in science and engineering were never fostered when I was a child, doesn't mean I bought a bunch of kids' science books for my kids because I'm trying to fulfill some sort of dream that never came true for me. And I am definitely not buying my kids all sorts of things I never had as a child, or forcing my feminist views and beliefs upon them because I want them to be stronger and wiser than their mother.
But if you (unlike me) do any of these types of things, you may be a "do-over" mom.
The "Velcro" Mom
Are you the mom permanently attached to your children? Do you never leave their side at playgrounds, birthday parties, and playdates? Do you want to involve yourself in your kids' conversations? Have you reserved a college dorm for yourself so when your child goes to college, you can live right next to her? Well, if you nodded "yes" to any of those questions, you may be a "Velcro Mom." You're just the perfect mix of stalker and personal space-invader, sprinkled with a bit of overbearing.
The "Snowflake" Mom
She "doesn't do labels" and her children are the "smartest," "brightest," and the most "precious" kids around. She does everything for them because she's afraid they are not going to succeed without her help. She protects them from the cruelty of the world by telling them what and how to think. She gives them a trophy for trying and applauds even the smallest accomplishment. She once threw a potty-training party because her child finally pooped on the potty. Her ideas are unique, just like everyone else's.
The "Wiki" Mom
If you've ever started a sentence with, "But, actually..." you've probably Googled some random fact five minutes prior and you're probably a "Wiki" mom. The "Wiki" mom is a compulsive Googler. She "does her research" and knows all of the "credible" websites. She believes she has the right to provide solid medical and psychological and educational advice to all she meets because she has, of course, "done her research." She knows more than her kids' teachers and pediatricians. She's familiar with all parenting strategies. I, uh, I mean she has it all figured out because Google is her God.
The "Bubble Wrap" Mom
Hand sanitizer in the purse? Check. One in the diaper bag? Check. One by the front door? Check. She reapplies sunblock every 80 minutes on the dot. She has bug spray up her sleeve. Her kid is not outside between the hours of 11:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. because she's afraid they'll get a sunburn. Her kid stays home from school for a week when she finds out another kid went home sick. She's hovering at the playground, holding his hand. Her vocabulary is full of "be careful," "watch out," "don't run," "you'll hurt yourself," "zip up your jacket," "put on your hat," and other cautionary tales. If she could physically bubble wrap her child and lock him inside forever, she would.
The "Emotional Terrorist" Mom
Some moms stay away from having serious, deep discussions with their first graders, while other moms revel in it. The "Emotional Terrorist" mom enjoys spending her days telling her kids emotionally charged stories. She'll constantly bring up natural disasters, poverty, homelessness, and racism to her unsuspecting 5-year-old. She'll tell gruesome stories of lost love and death and despair to her clueless 8-year-old. She wants to "open up the minds" of her children.
The "One-Upper" Mom
Does your kid know how to read at her grade level? Yes? Well, my kid is reading at three levels above her grade. Did your kid get recognized for helping another student? Well, my child just won numerous awards for her anti-bullying campaign. My child is so well-behaved her teacher personally called me and told me what a great mom I am. My child is so advanced, she is now teaching others how to read. My child is so much better, smarter, and faster than yours.
"Oh, you were in labor for 15 hours? That's nothing, I was in labor for five days and then I had to deliver my baby by myself in the middle of the night in complete darkness."
"Oh, your child didn't sleep through the night in the first few weeks? Oh, my child screamed nonstop for months and I didn't sleep for the first year of her life."
Whether it's good news or bad news, this mom's news is way worse or way better.
The "Self-Deprecating" Mom
"Oh em gee, I'm such a hot mess," she's say, all frazzled. She constantly forgets her kids' appointments, she's late to drop off, she has coffee stains on her yoga pants, and her hair is a mess. She laughs at her lack of punctuality and at her basic disinterest in putting on a pair of jeans. She admits her flaws willingly and encourages other moms to drop the facade. She's the mom we all are deep down inside.
The "Wine & Coffee" Mom
"Coffee before talkie" is written proudly across her shirt. She owns coffee paraphernalia and is constantly gifted various coffee promoting mugs and calendars. She's the mom who says things like, "Is it wine time yet?" and "Mommy needs a strong cup of Joe to get through this morning." She is me. And I am she.
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