Monday through Friday, I’m your basic business casual b*tch. Maybe I’ll wear some fun shoes, or a Star Wars shirt under my blazer. On the weekends, however, my fashion game goes to the next level: down. Off come the A-line skirts, and on go the D-list leisure wear. But I won’t apologize for loving my “mom jeans,” and not just because the hipsters have appropriated them. It’s because I’m finally owning the fact that motherhood is its own fashion statement.
Not everyone can rock the high-waisted, pleated denim look. In fact no one can pull that off. Still, that shouldn’t discourage us from embracing it for its ease and comfort. I don’t have the time it takes to tug on those tummy-tucking Spanx in the hopes of smoothing the bulges beneath my clothes. Those 30 minutes (yeah, it takes me that long and, no, you should not judge) have already been spent breaking up sibling squabbles, reminding kids about homework, or opening and closing the refrigerator two million times like it’s some magical ritual that might bring me already-cooked, tasty, low-cost, and delicious meals that universally appeal to all the members of my family.
This is where the much maligned style of the “mom jeans” comes in to play. They offer comfort, flexibility, and familiarity in times when parenting threatens my sanity. So just how do I love thee, “mom jeans?” Oh let me count the ways. In rhyme.
Pull-On Pants Make Me Happy Dance
I discovered how much I hated buttons when I was gifted with designer baby clothes for my firstborn. They were well-crafted, soft and sturdy, and a complete pain in the ass to get her into with those tiny ridiculous buttons. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the trauma of her having a meltdown while trying to dress her in a taffeta Ralph Lauren holiday dress that a friend had so clearly not thought through before giving to us. So the fewer zippers to zip, buttons to button, or snaps to snap, the happier I am with my clothing.
Elastic Waist Means Dressing Haste
Moms like me have no time for a button fly. An elastic waist cuts down on the time it takes me to pull on my pants, in the event I’m on the toilet when I hear my 6-year-old son’s muffled voice suddenly crying for help from some piece of furniture he has wedged himself into. Clothing without spandex means precious seconds wasted while I struggle with covering my nakedness in the event that my adventurous boy decides the inside of an ottoman is the perfect hiding spot, until he realizes he can’t get out.
No Need For Belts Or Too-Tight Welts
The elastic waistband of my mom jeans moves with me, not against me. It also doesn’t gap, for those of us whose hip-to-waist ratio is the stuff of pin-up girl dreams. With a lot of my pants, I need a belt to cinch in the waist, while they fit fine in the derriere. That works when I’m standing, but when sit down, that cinched in waist cuts off the circulation to my ovaries.
I Don’t Know From Camel-Toe
Roomy, soft jeans are the wise woman’s defense against yeast infections. Not even cotton leggings offer your crotch this much of a breeze. Enjoy.
Loose Cut Allows For Strut
If there is one must-have feature for the clothes of all parents of young children, it is to not restrict movement. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to run my kid off at the pass, intersecting his trajectory into the street. When my children were toddlers, I was striking Warrior 2 poses on the regular, trying to keep one hand on each child while they were running in two different directions in a department store. Don’t settle for a tight fit, unless you love the feeling of itchy seams rubbing against your inner thigh as you sprint across the room to catch the sippy cup your kid is about to toss from her crib.
Baggy Fit For A No-Pinch Sit
One thing I really wish I knew before becoming a mom is how much time I’d spend on the floor. So my self-congratulatory smugness about fitting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes a few months postpartum was short lived. I rue the day I purchased skinny jeans, thinking I’d finally “made it” as a hot woman. Hotness, for me now, is measured by the depth of clothing digging into my skin. With my baggy mom jeans, I’m hot, and unbothered by unforgiving denim.
More Stretch, Less Kvetch
Underwear that won’t ride up. Tampons that move with me. Going braless. These are all things that prevent me from complaining about any wardrobe discomfort. It’s been my absolute pleasure to let go my self-consciousness about any jeans making me look fat, when they actually make me feel great. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
Room To Eat, And Drink, And Eat
And eat. I like to be able to consume a muffin without actually taking its form.
Comfy Fashion Is This Mom’s Passion
A comfortable mom is a happy mom. I am much less irritable when I’m not squeezed into my clothes. Without tight pants distracting me, I can fully focus on whatever fresh hell my children are wreaking. With two kids and a full-time job, I don’t have the brain space to plan my weekend brunch outfits. My momiform of loose jeans and old concert tees suits me well on Saturdays, easily going from day to night (as I switch from coffee to wine).
Affordable By Any Means, That’s Why They Are My Favorite Jeans
My children think I am a human towel. I am regularly smeared with paint, saliva, mac-n-cheese, or syrup, so the last thing I need is to worry about ruining my clothes. As soon as I get home from work, I change out of my business casual outfit, and into that same, roughed up pair of loose jeans. Only then can I relax about getting manhandled by my grubby kids.
Mom jeans: fashion rejected, mother approved.