It’s a truth universally acknowledged: new parents don’t sleep very much. However, there’s a very big difference between being unable to sleep because you are required to care for the baby that you love, and being unable to sleep because, despite your best efforts, you simply can’t. At least now we have our phones to silently entertain us while our loved ones sleep, right? Not only that, but we can text to our other parent friends who are up late, too. Seriously, the texts that new moms send when they can’t sleep are the best texts because they’re a glorious cyclone of desperation, exhaustion, and auto-correct. What a time to be alive.
Not sure about you guys but, as a kid, sleepless nights always seemed to strike right before summer camp, right before the first day of school, and right before Christmas. You know, exciting things. The things that keep me awake as an adult? The sound of my child snoring through his head cold; my own head cold; terror over what could possibly happen after the 2016 presidential election; excitement over the fact that we’re one day closer to the premier of UnREAL Season 3. You know, your regular roller coaster of emotions that aren't uncommon to parents.
So, if you're a new (or even not-so-new) mom, I'm going to go ahead and assume you've shared a few sleep-deprived texts with your friends. If you haven't yet, please join me on a textual journey through the mind of a super-exhausted mom (and teach me all of your sleep secrets, immediately).
The Tentative Question
I'm just over here, watching my kid on the monitor and trying not to get creeped out by the noises our house is making. How about you?
The "Mystery Of The World" Question
Looking at you in particularly, hour between 2am and 3am. You're the worst.
The "I Should Have Known Better" Admission
The middle of a sleepless night is not the best time to try to get a jump start on any and all future rash remedies your kid may or may not need. Please, just trust me. All Google is going to tell you is that your kid will end up having some incurable disease, and you'll lose another week of sleep.
The "No He's Not"
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I've just never been good at handling the emotion of raging jealousy.
The Straight-Up Silly Question
I suppose the fact that there's a 24-hour Starbucks not far from me is the answer to this question.
The Really Good Question, Actually
In the immortal words of Gerard Depardieu in 1994's seriously questionable classic, My Father The Hero, "It's rising. It's magnificent!"
The Question You Already Know The Answer To
If that person is another sleep-derived parent, it's safe to assume 9.5. A solid 9.5, my friends.
The Observation You Know Isn't Even That Funny, But That You Send Anyway
I mean, maybe it would have been funny like four years ago, but you're so tired and frustrated that you don't even care how dated your references are. All you know is that you feel like you must have a ton in common with zombies.
The Desperate Request For Stimulation
Or, maybe your fridge needs to be checked for expired items? I'm really good at finding expiration dates in illogical places on packaging. Text me.
The Logical Conclusion
I mean, both seem to work wonders on kids, right? They could probably help other people, too, right? It's OK, this is a judgment-free zone. You can be honest.