Relationships usually start out hot and heavy. There's all the wanting, the lusting, the desire that comes with a new fling. You’re constantly making out, constantly touching, constantly gazing into one another’s eyes. With that comes a certain amount of hiding the less attractive parts of ourselves, too. However, as relationships progress there's really no longer any room for hiding our bodily functions or embarrassing CD collections. In fact, the amount of unsexy things grown-ass couples do around each other could fill a (very embarrassing) book. (A book that, honestly, would put Harry Potter to shame because who doesn't like reading about other people's funny snafus, right?)
When I first met my husband, I was always putting my best foot forward. In those days that meant weekly manicures and pedicures, waxing appointments, daily makeup application, and brushing my teeth as early as possible in order to make sure he never noticed my morning breath once I snuck back into bed. I know he was hiding certain habits and traits of his, too. That's just how the courting phase goes, which is why I think everyone should enjoy that precious, fart-free time while it lasts.
We've since outgrown that stage in our romantic partnership and, as a result, grown together as a couple. We're rarely shy around one another, though some modesty comes into play every now and again. If you’re wondering which phase you’re in, look over our list of unattractive things you’ll do once you’re definitely part of a grown-ass couple.
Blow Their Nose
This one isn’t a huge deal, but there’s nothing sexy about boogers. You don’t call your friend-with-benefits to come take care of you while you have a cold, do you? Your partner in life, however, has passed you the tissue box on several occasions.
Break Wind, Pass Gas, Or Otherwise Fart
For many individuals partaking in the dating scene, this is the turning point between a casual fling and a serious relationship. Most folks will do their best not to fart around someone they’re trying to impress, but spend enough time with someone and you’ll eventually have to do it.
#ProTip: if they don’t run away screaming, chances are y’all are starting the grown-ass couple stage.
Trim Or Pluck Unsightly Hairs
Here’s a secret: everyone’s got some stray body hair the likes of which most people don’t normally discuss (though we shouldn’t actually be embarrassed by any of it). That said, toe hair, back hair, nipple hair, and random chin hair are not the sexiest, and it’s even less sexy for one to pluck these in front of an audience. This might be something folks don’t do around each other for years. But (after a fair amount of time), a grown-ass couple could handle it.
Discuss Bodily Functions
Talking about how many days it’s been since you pooped is probably not most people’s idea of polite dinner conversation. Still, after being with someone for a long time, you’ll bring up your bodily functions (from pee to periods). And after you’ve been together even longer, you’ll probably start talking about each other’s functions without batting an eye.
Plunge The Toilet
Talking about sh*t is one thing, plunging it is another (especially when it's not yours). Simply put, plunging toilets isn’t sexy at all, even if you have a plumber fetish.
However, the true sign of a grown-ass relationship is being able to plunge the toilet after your significant other has caused the clog in the first place.
Change Clothes Without It Being Sexual In Any Way
Sure, undressing in front of your partner can be totally sexy, as a fun form of foreplay. However, and for the most part, changing is a very utilitarian act that can often contort our bodies into less-than-attractive shapes.
When you’ve been committed for a long while, you’ll mainly change in front of one another in this way more often than in a striptease fashion (but your strip technique might also get better, so there’s pros and cons).
Take Quick Utilitarian Showers
Just like undressing can be sexy, showering in front of a partner can also be pretty hot. Really, though, most of your showers simply involve getting clean and not putting on a show. Once your functional showers are more frequent than your prelude-to-sex showers, you’ll know you’re advancing into grown-ass couple territory.
Scratch Random Parts Of The Body
As a rule, most folks tend to avoid scratching more intimate parts of the body until they’re out of sight. Among these parts are armpits, crotch, butt, feet, and belly. If you live with someone long enough, though, you’ll understand that hey, sometimes we just need to scratch an itch.
Everybody burps, but not everyone wants to hear (or smell) them. You’ll always try to inhale your burps or prevent them altogether at first, but it’s impossible to keep this up for an extended period of time. The law of averages will catch up with you eventually, and your grown-ass partner will understand that you can’t always avoid burping. Just don’t start acting like it’s cute and belching loudly every time.
Oral Hygiene Maintenance
You’ll start by swishing around some mouthwash in front of one another when you’re pressed for time and only have one bathroom to share. Then you’ll graduate to brushing your teeth while in each other’s presence. The truth test, though, is flossing.
(Bonus points if you start sharing a toothbrush. That's love, my friends.)
Vomiting is never sexy. Seriously, not the sounds, or the smells, or any of it. Most people prefer to throw up in private, but to be in a grown-ass relationship is to hold one another’s hair back when that stomach bug comes to pass. Also included in this not-so-sexy act of love? Fetching any and all bottled waters and saltines when the morning sickness is too rough, as well as helping them wipe off their face when they’re puking from one too many margaritas.