Most women who’ve experienced pregnancy would likely agree that there are only a handful of perks to the whole process, including but not limited to: extra excuses for rest and food (assuming that the nausea has passed), the thoughtful well wishes your loved ones send you, and the baby at the end of it all. Oh, and of course, the party held in your honor. Still, even as a fully-functioning adult there are some questionable traditions that make frequent appearances, so I can’t help but imagine what a baby probably thinks about baby showers. Are they excited? Confused? Inspired? Energized by all the attention they’re getting before they’ve even left the womb? Excited about the toys and the clothes and the more toys? If only there were a way to unlock these great mysteries of the universe.
All questions aside, I really like baby showers (as flawed as they can be and as intricate as they've become). So, as a fan of said blessed event, it should come as no surprise that I loved — and did not take for granted — the baby showers I had. Personally, I wish it were more socially acceptable to dress up and share brunch and gifts with my favorite people on a regular basis, celebrating all of our life decisions (whether it's to have a baby or to go for that corporate office job with the corner office).
Alas, until I’ve enacted major change on this front, for the time being we’re left with baby showers as they currently stand: a ritual that may or may not leave all outsiders, including babies, slightly confused but probably, in the end, very happy. So, in the name of complete presumption, here's what your baby is probably thinking while hearing all that joyous noise outside the womb:
"What Is All The Commotion?"
Depending on how you normally spend your day, being surrounded by what I assume to be lots and lots of women could be a slight change; a change that could leave your tiny little growing person somewhat disoriented. According to science, they can hear in there, and they can see some light so, yeah, I think they would pick up that something awesome is happening.
"Why Do All These Hands Keep Appearing?"
What is it about baby showers and belly touching? Perhaps it’s the camaraderie and the celebratory vibe, but ladies be freely reaching for each other’s bellies. Again, your kid will potentially pick up on this.
"She Sure Is Talking A Lot"
Wrong, little person. She gets to talk a lot. That's the joy of being the guest of honor. OK, technically she’s gestating the guest of honor, but it still counts.
"Actually, Everyone Is Talking A Lot"
That’s what happens when you get lots of really excited people in a room, put cute things on display, and offer snacks. Everyone is bound to be cheerful and chatty. Let that be a lesson for you, baby.
"I Can’t Wait To Meet You All, Too"
Your baby’s like, "Really, you seem like a sweet, generous, and now sugar-filled bunch. This is going to be fun."
"I’m Going To Be The Most Well-Dressed Baby Of All Time "
You'll never have more confidence in your ability to clothe a child than when you open gifts at your baby shower. You may even be like, “I don’t have to buy more clothes,” but please don’t listen to that evil voice trying to convince you that your work is done on the shopping front. Trust me, it's not.
"No Games That Make Fun Of My Future Diapers, OK?"
Actually, I think this is a pretty fair request. If I was a baby, I’d probably ask for the same kindness.
"Hey, Hey, Hey! I Only Need So Many Teddy Bears, Ladies."
I never thought I’d agree with this statement, but my family and I recently moved, and packing up our now-toddler’s room has confirmed that it is, in fact, true.
"However, I Could Definitely Use More Footie Pajamas, Please. We All Know How Cute Those Are."
More wars would be stopped (or probably never even start) if we all spent more time with small children in footie pajamas. If you don’t happen to agree, that’s OK. Just send your extras to my house and we’ll enjoy them for you, you monster.
"Please Cool It With The 'Awws,' It’s Hard To Sleep In Here"
Babies don’t stay awake for too long even when they’re hanging out in the womb, I’ve heard. Despite all the excitement, I’m assuming they’ll need to snooze at some point.
"Yes, Please, Do Give Her The Recipe. I’ll Be Ready For To Help Her Cook In Like Eight Years."
Aw, that’s cute, baby. Looking forward to seeing the pictures of you covered in flour.
"So, Same Time Next Month Right, Ladies?"
I love the optimism here. Surely it feels like a realistic question, given that an unborn baby’s frame of reference is so skewed, right? If nothing else, I’ll take the excuse to get all my friends together again, any day.