I know you've been tossing and turning lately. The worry... it weighs on us all this time of year. It is perhaps one of the most pressing questions facing parents this holiday season: What in god's name should you call your Elf on the Shelf? Well, fear not, for I am here with 20 boy Elf on the Shelf names that are sure to delight both parents and kids alike. (But you could also use these for any elf gender. Because they're elves.)
I'll be honest, I totally planned to skip the Elf on the Shelf madness. I've always found the ubiquitousness of the product annoying. Like, I feel like it's available for sale literally everywhere. Like I could walk into my gyno and she'd be like, "Here are your pap smear results and would you also perhaps be interested in an Elf on the Shelf?"
I also found the endless social media posts about it a bit cloying. All of the "look at silly Snowball fishing for Goldfish crackers in our son's sneaker!" Yeah, we get it, parents. Your home is a place of endless whimsy and joy. *rolls eyes*
Cut to me, three years later, rising at 6 a.m. in a panic, realizing I hadn't repositioned freaking Tingles, and what if I just throw him in the microwave with a piece of raw bacon, does that count as a "prank?"
Like it or not, the Elf on the Shelf craze seems here to stay, and for many is simply a new part of the Christmas tradition. And it's a tradition that will likely be with your family for years. Which is why one must name their elf wisely...
Below, I offer 20 unique names for the stuffed doll you have purposely brought into your home so that you may rise at dawn to blearily draw frowny faces on some bananas with a marker.
A fun play on 'ol Scrooge. Not to be confused with Weezer. Though that could also be good... and provide you with an excuse to play their cover of "Africa" for your children.
2. Crispin Glover
A perfectly elf-ish name!
Do it. Go meta.
Evil... but cute. Just like the elf.
An adorable way to put a fun spin on a dreaded virus!
6. Sir Poopington Hogburp of Fartsborough East
Trust me. Your kid will totally get on board with this.
7. The Patriarchy
Think of the fun of hearing your child tell others about the elf's antics! "And then The Patriarchy played a mean trick on us! The Patriarchy is always up to something!"
Simple. Classic. Easy for a small child to scream when you forget to reposition it the next morning.
9. Tylenol O'Tingles
Which Mommy will need after 25 days of this nonsense.
10. Elsa Elberfield
This is actually the name of the Baroness in The Sound of Music. It's a fun way to let your kiddos know there's more than one ice queen named Elsa, and breaks the "boy" stereotype of a name.
For the fratty elf. Take note: Travis may be too hungover to play pranks, Sorry, brah.
12. E. Coli
A suitable name for after your child has hidden the elf in the litter box. Sure, the elf has now lost its Christmas magic after being touched by the child, but it now has a whole new magic — the magic of large and diverse bacteria!
Polish for foolish. Which is what we parents are for buying into this insanity.
14. Peppy Twinkleton
This comes courtesy of the Elf on the Shelf site's very own name generator. So you know it's legit. My husband is Jazzy Cocobee.
15. Sensodyne Tampax
Open your bathroom cabinet. What are the first two things you see?
16. Bridget Bishop
Pay homage to one of the women burned in the Salem witch trials! (See, there are no gender rules here.) Reflect on the fact that if this were the 1600s and you proclaimed to keep a magical elf in your home, you would likely be tossed into the nearest creek.
17. Squeezy Pickle-pants
Yet another elf name generator, this one is based on your name and the month you were born.
18. Jingle, Snowflake, or Snowball
This is what Melissa Joan Hart has named her three elves. And if it's good enough for Sabrina the Teenage Witch, then by god it's good enough for you.
19. Fuzzy Sloth Splash
OK, this one actually comes from a cocktail drink name generator, but it works just as well, no? And anyway, you'll need a drink after your 5-year-old starts wailing on the floor in hysterics because the dog went near the elf and sniffed up all of its magic and now Christmas is dead.
20. Idris Elba
And lastly, a name for the sexy, suave elf.