I used to be judgmental of parents who complained about their kids visiting them in the middle of the night. I said things like, "Well, you had kids. You shouldn't expect to stop being a parent when you go to bed." Then I had kids of my own, and, well, I honestly haven't enjoyed a full night's sleep since George Bush was president. I have also learned there are more than a few annoying things kids do when they sleep in your bed. And by annoying, I mean "seventh-circle-of-hell" level of torment that will keep you from enjoying a single, solitary second of sleep.
It starts off innocently enough. You have a restless baby who needs snuggles or, usually, another late-night feeding. But before you know it, your snuggly baby turns into a 40-pound, blanket-stealing toddler who constantly crawls into your bed, demanding to be held in a certain position which almost always involves an elbow or foot in your face. Then your toddler becomes a 9-year-old kid who needs you in the middle of the night for comfort, and in doing so will proceed to ask you about the meaning of life, tell you about their scary dream, or steal your damn spot when you get up to go to the bathroom. If you give in, you will be forced to listen to gross noises, smell gross smells, or deal with bodily fluids when you should be dreaming sweet dreams.
It's so tempting to just let your kid sleep in your bed, especially when you are way too tired to take them back to their room or engage in a debate about it; a debate that will undoubtably wake up one or more of your other children. But, it is also a trap. When your child sweetly asks if they can sleep with you, they have zero intention of sleeping at all. They will actually do some or all of the following bullsh*t, instead:
Ask If They Can Sleep With You
Sometimes my kids sweetly ask if they can sleep with me, which makes me automatically respond, "Of course, sweetheart," because snuggles are wonderful.
Refuse To Leave If You Say "No"
But, don't misunderstand, even if they ask permission, it's always a rhetorical question. They won't leave if you say "no" unless you physically take them back to their room.
Steal Your Blanket
I don't even share a blanket with my partner. We each have our own. We actually have a cot made up on the floor for nighttime visitors, which doesn't seem to stop them from stealing my freaking blanket.
Stare At You
There are few things more frightening than waking up to a small child standing next to your bed, just staring at you.
Tell You About Their Life, Hopes, & Dreams
I love having conversations with my kids about almost everything. I do not, however, enjoy having these conversations at 3:00 a.m. when I'm supposed to be unconscious.
Bring Legos Into Your Bed
Legos are not snuggly. Neither are Transformers, My Little Ponies, or Barbies.
How does a 30-pound toddler take up the entire bed? They seem to defy physics, and kick you right where it hurts.
Ask For A Drink Of Water
Save for the youngest, every single one of my children are old enough to get their own damn drink of water. So, why are they asking me, at 3:00 a.m., to get them a cup of water? Is this hell?
Spill Water On Your Bed
Never should you let your child have an open cup of water anywhere close to your bed. They will spill it. Ask me how I know.
Wet The Bed
If they don't spill their drink, they might just wet the bed or tell you that they wet theirs. Ugh.
If you happen to get comfortable after changing the sheets, or tiredly throwing a towel on the wet spot, they will start sniffling. I don't know why. Perhaps they sense sleep is right around the corner and figure any sound will keep you from dream land.
Steal Your Spot When You Get Up To Go To The Bathroom
If you go to the bathroom to get them a tissue, or to pee yourself, they will steal your spot.
Cough On You
But, when you try to snuggle up next to them on the remaining sliver of available bed, they will start coughing on you.
Touch Your Face
I don't like anyone touching my face. So I definitely don't want my germ-infested child to touch me on my face while I am sleeping.
Poop In The Master Bathroom & Not Flush
Then, if you send them to the bathroom to wash their damn hands, they will poop but refuse to flush the damn toilet, leaving behind a lingering scent that makes sleep all but impossible.
When they are back, they will likely start singing, which is cute for about 30 seconds.
Chances are high your kid will vomit. The thing about vomit is you can't really let it go until morning. So, if they end up tossing their lunch, you will find yourself cleaning your child's vomit off your bed, their bed, the floor, the bathroom, and/or you and your child in the middle of the damn night. I don't blame them, really I don't, but it doesn't make it easier.
Claim They Are Scared To Sleep In Their Own Bed
It's so hard to turn away a scared child. When your baby is frightened, all you want to do is hold them and make it OK.
Tell You About Their Horrible Nightmare
But they will tell you about their nightmare, and it will freak you out a little.
Ask To Hear A Story
Since you are now both too scared to sleep, they will ask to hear a story. Don't worry, if you dose off mid-sentence they will wake you.
Let The Cats Into Your Room
When you are finally asleep, your cats will wake you, having snuck into your room with your child and formed a super secret alliance to keep you from enjoying a second of shut eye.
Ask You If Monsters Are Real
No matter how many times you tell them no, your kids will either still be scared or argue with you.
You might not be sure if that smell is your child, your cat, or your partner, but damn, now you feel like vomiting.
Tell You Knock, Knock Jokes
Have you heard every knock, knock joke, or butt/poop joke ever written? Don't worry, if your kid is in your bed you will now.
Say "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom" Over & Over Again
"Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom..."
Fall Out Of Bed
Your bed isn't big enough. It never is.
If they do sleep it will not be a quiet, beautiful sleep. Instead, it'll feel like you're sleeping next to a chainsaw. And thanks to their detailed description of their terrifying nightmare, you now have horrible thoughts about chainsaw-wielding monster-clowns.
Lay On You
Can't breathe. Child is laying on my face.
Ask If It's Morning Yet
At this point, dear child, I might as well make coffee. Clearly nobody's getting any sleep.
Actually Fall Asleep
Of course, the moment you give up will be the moment your precious nocturnal visitor actually falls back asleep. FML.
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