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9 Things You're Not Allowed To Say To A Pregnant Woman On Halloween

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I love Halloween. It is, without a doubt, my favorite holiday. So when I discovered that my second baby's due date was close to Halloween, I secretly hoped he'd come early so I would have a Halloween baby. The little parasite didn't comply, though, and I learned that being pregnant on Halloween is both awesome and terrible. The fun maternity costumes and candy are awesome, sure, but the things people say to a pregnant woman on Halloween make everything kind of the worst.

I’ve heard some completely wild, inappropriate, and downright creepy things when I was pregnant on Halloween. I'm going to assume it's because people think it's OK to check you out when you're wearing a costume, or because it's a night when you are actually supposed to talk to strangers, but seriously, my body is not up for discussion, commentary, or here for your viewing pleasure, not even if I'm in a Halloween costume (even a so-called "slutty" one).

Actually, it’s really never OK to make a comment about someone’s body or to offer unsolicited advice. My body belongs to me and my plans for pregnancy, childbirth, delivery, and parenting are none of your business, regardless of the day of the year. And trust me, I've heard pretty much every pregnancy joke imaginable, and I've never once considered them funny. So with that in mind, and because enough is enough, here are some of the things people thought it was OK to say to me when I was pregnant on Halloween. Consider this a public service announcement of sorts: don't be intrusive, scary, creepy, or otherwise rude to pregnant people on Halloween or any other day ever.

"Are You Pregnant?"

Courtesy of Steph Montgomery

I get it. Lots of people pretend to be pregnant on Halloween (which really needs to stop being a thing) but honestly, that doesn't mean you get to ask random strangers if they're knocked up. Never, never, never ask a person if they are pregnant unless they are giving birth, and even then, think long and hard about it first. Trust me.

"Should You Be Eating That Candy?"

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I can eat as much or as little candy as I like on Halloween, or any other damn day of the year, regardless of whether or not I'm pregnant. Keep your eyes on your own plate, or in this case, bag of peanut butter cups. Also, hasn't anyone ever told you not to get between a pregnant person and their food? For your own sake and safety, you should probably stop talking.

"Too Much Candy Will Give You Gestational Diabetes"

Actually, gestational diabetes doesn't work like that, it's more about genetics and your placenta going into overdrive. But even if I had gestational diabetes (which I didn't, by the way) how is it any of your business what I eat?

The answer: it's not, so please, kindly, shut up.

"Trust Me, I'm A Doctor"

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No, dressing like a doctor on Halloween doesn't mean you're actually a doctor. No, it doesn't make your stupid jokes, including your offer to give me a "free pelvic exam" hilarious. Stop.

"I Can't Believe You're Wearing That"

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Repeat after me: "It's none of my business what other people wear." You don't get to comment about my outfit, tell me what I can and cannot wear, or slut shame me. Pregnancy doesn't change the aforementioned, undeniable facts and neither does Halloween. Unless someone's costume is personally offensive or culturally appropriative, STFU about what someone else is wearing.

"No Haunted Houses For You"

The only person who gets to decide if I attend a haunted house is me. Contrary to popular belief, I still have bodily autonomy when I'm pregnant. Besides, I don't make pregnancy decisions based on urban legends.

"Let's Watch 'The Omen' Or 'Rosemary's Baby'"

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Watching a film about horrible things that could happen during pregnancy, childbirth, or pretty much anything involving kids getting hurt, dying or going on murderous rampages, should be the number one thing on your list of things never to suggest to a pregnant person. For the record, I'm emotional and scared already, I don't want to see my worst fears play out on screen.

"Why Aren't You Wearing A Costume?"

I spent my first pregnant Halloween vomiting and sleeping on the couch, hoping that kids didn't come to the door. It sucked. To make matters worse, I had made an amazing costume that didn't fit my growing belly. I didn't dress up or go to a Halloween party because, honestly, I didn't feel like it. Besides, pregnant or not, I do what I want. Please stop talking.

"Should You Be Trick Or Treating In Your Condition?"

Courtesy of Steph Montgomery

What condition would that be? The "badass" condition? The "dressed like Wonder Woman" condition? Oh, you meant, the "pregnant" condition, didn't you?

Can we please stop policing pregnant people's bodies and choices? I am perfectly capable of making decisions about what I wear, eat, and do on my own, without commentary or feigned concern about my wellbeing. I mean, it's inappropriate, shaming, and a little creepy, even for Halloween.

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