Courtesy of Steph Montgomery

How Awful Your Labor Will Be, Based On Your Baby's Zodiac Sign

Between my three pregnancies I had three vastly different, but equally awful, labor and birth experiences. I am pretty sure I'm cursed. Then again, it's possible my babies were to blame. I mean, it might have been how they were positioned in my uterus (back labor is the worst), how shy they were about joining the world, or my hot mess body making them come early. But can you also predict how awful your labor will be, based on your baby's zodiac sign? I mean, anything is possible. I say it doesn't hurt to exhaust all your options when you're planning for something as mentally and physically exhausting as childbirth.

I decided to put my birth experiences to the test and compare them with my babies' birth signs. Turns out, I was pretty surprised by what I found. Guys, the universe is spot freaking on. My Gemini child seemed to have dual personalities. She came five days after her due date and after a month of prodromal labor contractions. I kept thinking I was in labor, but no. It wasn't until I was finally admitted for an induction that she decided she wasn't going to wait any longer and my water broke. My son came into the world three weeks early. Was it because he is an impatient Scorpio? I don't know, but he's still impatient almost five years later, so you tell me. My youngest, well, his labor was certainly exciting, which makes sense because people born under the sign of Aquarius are known to hate being bored.

Can astrology explain why nature seems to hate me or are all labors destined to be awful? I mean, they are all called "labor" for a reason. So who knows, but if you are expecting your own little bundle of joy, you might want to read on to find out just how awful your labor might be:

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

If your baby is a Capricorn, you should know that they like things to go a certain way. According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, people with this sign are responsible and disciplined, and have a strong sense of self-control. Your water will break — just like in the movies— and your labor will progress like it an OB-GYN textbook says it should. Chances are, the contractions and the pushing will last exactly as long as you expect and be just as painful as you fear it to be. On the bright side, nothing weird will happen, so you have that going for you.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

My youngest was born under the sign of Aquarius. That means he is friendly and that he hates being bored. This makes a lot of sense, when you consider that my labor with him was anything but boring. Unless you call preterm labor, a serious injury, and him getting stuck on my pelvis monotonous, that is.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces are known for being gentle and compassionate. Sounds good, right? The problem with Pisces, however, is that they love to be alone and have a tendency to be afraid of pretty much everything. Prepare to have your baby go way, way past their due date, and don't be surprised if you feel like you're in labor forever.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Aries are passionate, enthusiastic, and have a tendency to be impatient and aggressive. Contractions with your Aries baby will likely feel like they are going to burst from your belly like an alien parasite, and once you start pushing, if they are anything like their sign, your Aries baby will burst into the world through a ring of fire.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your reliable Taurus will come exactly on their due date, because they hate being late and always try to make sure everything goes according to plan. However, they also freaking hate change, so make sure you have ample time to snuggle skin-to-skin with your little bull and ease his or her way into the world.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

My oldest is a Gemini — curious and affectionate, but also indecisive and anxious. According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Geminis are twins and are known to have dual personalities, so you never know what you are going to get. In my daughter's case, that meant prodromal labor. I had contractions with no cervical changes for a month, but she wasn't budging. Then, when I was finally admitted to the hospital for induction, my daughter decided she was not going to wait any longer and my water broke all over the bathroom floor. Totally a Gemini.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

As a Cancer myself, I know firsthand how emotional, temperamental, and, well, crabby we can be. Babies born under this sign are likely to give you a dumpster-fire of a delivery, if you can even deliver vaginally. In my mom's case, she went into labor early and ended up delivering twins via C-section. So, you know, sorry mom.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, a Leo is passionate and warm, but also has a tendency to be self-centered and stubborn. Has your August due date come and gone, and your baby isn't budging? They must be a Leo.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

According to Astrology Zodiac signs, Virgos are shy and hate taking center stage. I hope for your sake, mama, that your Virgo baby doesn't take their own sweet time when their due date arrives.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libras have a tendency to be fickle and indecisive. Your Libra little one is likely to send you into labor, only to have them send you home from the hospital when your contractions stop as soon as they get you into a bed and hooked up to a monitor. The good news is that, of course, eventually they will be born. If you are lucky you will make it to the hospital in time when you are actually in labor.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

My oldest son is a Scorpio, and it was extremely obvious when I was in labor. According to Astrology Zodiac, a baby born under the Scorpio sign is passionate and assertive, like my unrelenting back labor. They are also calm and fierce, which is exactly how he was when he came into the world three weeks early.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Sagittarius-born people have a tendency to be super impatient. Be prepared — your baby might come early, or you might have the shortest labor ever. I am not saying that you should necessarily worry, but if your baby is due to be a Sagittarius, you might want to pick a hospital close to your home. The last thing you want is to have a baby on the side of road in a snow storm.

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