Usually when people are using the words "sexy" and "mother" in the same sentence, they're talking about someone being sexy in spite of being a mother or having babies. Other times you hear slut-shaming comments like, "She shouldn't dress that way because she's somebody's mother," as if you are required to give up sex and feeling sexy after having children (or just don't admit you enjoy sex after children). I think it's so messed up for so many reasons, especially since motherhood actually helped me embrace my sexuality.
I think that being a mom is inherently sexy. I mean all moms, too, including the moms in miniskirts and the ones in yoga pants; the stay-at-home moms, with stains on their shirts and the sex workers who take their shirts off for money; the moms who fit into their pre-pregnancy jeans and the ones who now wear "mom jeans" a size or three larger than they would have worn before. The parents who don't identify as moms? Yeah, they're sexy too. All moms are sexy. Every. Single. One. The very act of growing a tiny human in your body, or agreeing to serve as a parent to a tiny human, requires some mad skills, confidence, commitment, patience, humility, and strength. All of those aforementioned traits I find extremely sexy and, as I have grown as a mother and acquired all of them, I feel like I'm a way more confident lover. Once I got past the bullsh*t notion that becoming a mom damaged me or somehow made me less sexy than I was before, I was able to fully embrace my sexuality.
I met my current husband when I was a single mom. We met, had great sex, and fell in love, all while simultaneously parenting our children, and that part of our identity didn't hurt our sex life at all. In fact, I think it has made sex way better. I became way more sex positive in how I raise my kids, too. I want them to know that the bodies, including the bodies that don't fulfill society's standard of perceived perfection, are beautiful and amazing, that nudity or sexuality are not bad or wrong, and, most of all, that being a mom and being sexy are not mutually exclusive. Here are some ways that motherhood has definitely helped me lose my shame and embrace my sexuality.
It Makes Me Proud Of What My Body Can Do
I grew humans in my body and pushed those humans out of my vagina. I am a badass mother. Since becoming a mother, I've also had the confidence and strength to do scary things like change careers, become a single mom, move to a new city, and run half and full marathons. There's nothing like feeling like you can do everything and anything to make you feel sexy.
It Has Taught Me To Relish Every Moment
From the time the morning alarm goes off in the morning to the time our kids go to bed, and everything in between, we have to get creative to fit in sex. When my partner and I do find the time to connect in that way, it's so much more meaningful and honestly, way better, than any of the marathon sex I had in my 20s.
I'm A Way Better Teacher
There's something about having to teach your kids how to do everything from walking, using the potty correctly, to singing the ABC's, that has definitely helped me be a better teacher in all other areas of my life. I have found that ,as a mom, I am way better able to give clear instructions about what I want and when I want it in the bedroom, living room, or kitchen.
Scheduling Sexy Time Can Be Hot
Sometimes as busy parents you have to (or just choose to) schedule sex. It may sound weird, but sending my husband a text or message to let him know that I want to get it on gets me hot. If we have to wait for it? Even hotter. It's so empowering and makes me feel sexy.
I See The Way My Partner Looks At Me
I don't need a partner to tell me or show me that I am sexy, but seeing my husband look at me (especially when he doesn't know I'm looking) makes me feel like a goddess. What's more is that it helps me get past insecurities and hang-ups about my body or being "good enough." We met and fell in love after both of us became parents. It was definite part of our mutual attraction.
I Have Learned To Live Without Sleep
If we're already up anyway, and can't fall back to sleep, we may as well make our lost sleep worth it, if you know what I mean.
I'm Used To Being In Control
Being a mom, and especially being a single mom, puts you in a position of authority. I used to be shy or feel weird about asking for what I wanted. Now, I know what I want I'm not too shy to ask about it. Life is too short to not have every orgasm you want, and no one really knows when the kids are going to wake up or want another drink of water.
I'm Way More Patient
I am a way more patient lover than I was before I had kids. In fact, I'm way more patient with myself, too, and especially when things don't work out as planned. I remember crying for days if a sexual encounter was awkward or disappointing. Now, most of the time, my partner and I are able to laugh together and try something different.
I've Learned To Embrace Imperfection
As a mother I have learned to embrace my imperfection, because no one is perfect. Not a single one. I'm constantly telling my kids that, anyway. I also try to teach them to love their bodies just the way they are. It's taken me years of giving that advice to start listening. I now know that you don't have to fit a societal image of what's sexy or beautiful to enjoy sex or embrace your sexuality. I wish I had realized that years before I had kids to constantly interrupt my sexy time.
I Feel More Confident
There's nothing like tackling the challenges of parenthood to give you confidence in other areas of your life. Also, those unique and sometimes seemingly insurmountable parenting challenges help me put things into perspective, too, so I don't spend time worrying about the small stuff. My partner and I are happier together when we focus on the big picture things and gain some perspective, and that makes our sex life way more awesome.