While I'm not one for "labels," per say, there are a few identities I don't mind flaunting. "Feminist," of course, is one I'll proudly own. "Mom," is another label I don't mind sporting, even though it's a heavy one and a lot of assumptions are attached to it. Then, of course, there's "hot mess mom," a label that seems to truly capture who I am. My partner doesn't mind "hot mess mom" either, as he's well aware (and thankful) of the many reasons hot mess moms are the best in bed. I mean, how do you think we made our kid in the first place, right?!
Sure, being a "hot mess" mom means I'm perpetually late to damn near everything and I'll probably have a stain (or three) on my somewhat-new shirt and I won't really be one to plan or organize a play date. Yes, I'll have an issue making dinner (that's edible or on time) and I probably won't come equipped to the playground with a snack that's sure to calm my tantrum-throwing toddler. However, I'll also be down to have some exciting, passionate, quick, hot afternoon sex. I'll be excited to try new positions and I won't consider sex talk to be "off limits" and I won't schedule sex a month in advance because, well, I don't schedule much of anything.
In motherhood (and life in general) you take the good with the bad. Sure, sometimes being a hot mess mom means being that pain in the ass parent who needs to ask someone for a wipe or an extra diaper because you didn't pack your bag accordingly. However, sometimes being a hot mess moms means you're having the hottest, best sex you've ever had in your life. I don't know about you, but I'd say that makes the messy part of motherhood more than worth it.
They're All About Convenience...
If it's "easy sex," I'm about that sex. Have a few minutes during the kid's nap? I'm down. It's easier to have sex on the couch than to sneak into the bedroom? Hey, I'm game.
Convenience is the name of my mom game, my friend, so whatever makes sex easy is what I'm all about. No need to complicate getting off, right?!
...So An Afternoon Quickie Is On The Table...
Of course, I can't speak for all hot mess moms (or anyone, really), but I'm always down for a mid-afternoon quickie.
First and foremost, that orgasm will really give me a pep in my step and, chances are, I'll be in dire need of one. Two, it'll be quick and easy and, as we've already discussed, I'm all for quick and easy. Finally, bedtime is usually a struggle so it's best to get in, get off, get out and carry on with the rest of your day. You can't really rely on "night time" to be your go-to sexy time because, well, night time can be exhausting.
...And You Can Keep Your Socks On
Just kidding. Seriously, this is never OK. Get your sh*t together, people. Don't be a monster and take off your socks when you're having sex.
They're Not Turned Off By Bodily Fluids
A hot mess mom is well acquainted with bodily fluids, whether they're hers or someone else's. I mean, she'll probably end up with a kid's poop or pee or vomit on her at some point throughout any particular day, so what's a little semen or vaginal discharge, right? We're all adults and, well, sex can (and is) messy.
They'll Tell You Exactly What They Want...
As a hot mess mom, I'm not afraid to be open about what I want. Whether it's something pertaining to my child's care, or a sex move that's sure to get me off, I'll say what I need to say. There's no shame in my parenting game, and that definitely applies to sex.
If I'm being turned off by something you're doing, I'll let you know. If you're really hitting the spot, don't worry, I'll let you know that, too. I'm not one to waste time because I'm probably already late to my kid's afternoon play date, so I'll say what works and let you know what doesn't and everyone will be on the same sexy page.
...Which Means You'll Know When You're Doing Well
Who doesn't like hearing that they're rocking someone's sexual socks off, right? Well, if you're lucky enough to hop in the sack with a hot mess mom, you'll be validated on a pretty regular basis. After all, being vocal about what works and what doesn't means your partner will be telling you when you're doing it, doing it, and doing it well.
They're Not Turned Off By A Busy Schedule...
A hot mess mom isn't turned off by a busy schedule because, well, she probably doesn't even have a schedule to speak of. Who plans stuff, right? Who has the time to make some intricate, play-by-play "wish list" that will probably be ruined the moment your kid throws a tantrum or has a blowout? As a hot mess mom myself, I can safely say: not me.
So, there won't be any "planned sex" and there won't be any, "Well, we don't have time for sex because we have this and this and this scheduled." That day planner hasn't been touched since it was purchased, dear.
...Or An Epic Mess...
It's not like a hot mess mom is going to demand the living room or kitchen or bedroom are in pristine order before you get down and dirty. Messes happen (both in and out of the bedroom, hey-yo) and there's really no reason to prioritize cleaning over orgasms. The dishes can wait.
...Or Lack Of Sleep
Chances are relatively high that every hot mess mom has learned how to function on little-to-absolutely-no sleep. So rarely (if ever) will you hear, "I'm too tired," when you put the moves on your partner.
Of course, and as stated previously, I can't speak for everyone. And, of course, saying "I'm tired" isn't an excuse, but a goddamn fact. In no way should you be making any mother (or anyone, for that matter) feel guilty for turning down sex because they're exhausted. Sleep depravation is a damn valid reason why you'll say no to sex and yes to sleep, thank you very much.
They're Probably Down To Have Period Sex
Different stokes for different folks, but I think it's safe to assume that most hot mess moms are down for some period sex.
Again, I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but having conversed with plenty of other like-minded hot mess moms, I can say that we usually don't give a rat's ass if we're on our period and horny. I mean, a little period blood isn't going to hurt anyone. If our partners are up for it, we're (more often than not and unless having sex on our period is painful) up for it.
They're Up For Trying New Things, As Long As It Works For Everyone Involved
A hot mess mom isn't really "set in her ways," because she probably hasn't found her way. I can't say that, as a hot mess mom, I've found what unequivocally what works best for me. I mostly just go with the flow and tackle things as they come flying at me.
So, when it comes to sex, I'm all for trying new things. Have some toys you want to incorporate into our sex life? Let's give them a whirl. Want to try a new position that will probably give me a leg cramp and multiple orgasms? Sure, why not. Sounds worth it.
They're Not Afraid To Talk About Sex
I'm pretty open about being a hot mess and all that it entails. Oh, you want to hear about my most recent and embarrassing mistake? Well sit down and make yourself comfortable, my friend. I'll all about being honest and candid because, well, who are we kidding, right? I know who I am and how I handle motherhood so putting on a front and pretending to be perfect really isn't my style.
Which means, of course, that talking about sex is so damn easy. It's not "uncomfortable" and it's not "inappropriate" and it's nothing more than a necessary conversation between me and my partner (or partners). Plus, talking about sex can be really, really sexy so, you know, you're welcome.
They Won't Hold It Against You If You're Not "Well Groomed," Because They Probably Aren't Either
This is clearly all about personal preference and all for women rocking the no-shave look if that's what they're into. Screw the patriarchy, right?
However, I like to have my arm pits and legs shaved. Does it always happen, though? That would be a hard negative. Life happens and the kid happens and running late in the morning to work happens. So, if my partner has skipped a few manscaping days, I really don't care. Chances are, I have skipped a few shaving days myself. Plus, it's winter time, so we're really just keeping one another warm at this point. #RelationshipGoals