From the moment they’re born, our babies show us what unconditional love is. They snuggle with us; they coo at the sight of us; they reach out for us with their teensy little fingers. We (usually, although not always) fall in love with them immediately and for the first few days, maybe weeks or even months, we only think good things of them. Then they start to show their true colors. Crying, spitting, biting, interrupting; they do it all, never once giving our feelings a second thought. Those are the moments you realize your baby might hate you.
Alright, maybe hate is a strong word. Maybe they just really dislike you, or have a personal vendetta against you for keeping them hostage in your womb for roughly 40 or so weeks. Perhaps they’re angry at the name you’ve chosen for them, or they’re getting back at you for getting poked during all those ultrasounds. Whatever the case, babies have a knack for simultaneously making you feel loved and adored, and totally despised.
If you’re not sure what we mean, well, maybe you’re still just too sleep deprived to put two and two together. However, and rest assured, a day will come when you have a moment like any of the following. In those moments (because, yes, there will be more than one) you’ll question why on earth you ever decided to become a parent in the first place.
When They Spit Up All Over Your Brand New Clothes
You finally found time to hit the mall and get yourself a cute, new, definitely well-deserved outfit. You managed to secure a sitter, you’ve taken a shower, and you’re ready to go. Then, with one quick good-bye kiss for your darling, they upchuck all over the only stylish thing you own. Sigh.
When They Have A Diaper Explosion While You’re Out (Without Supplies)
Diaper accidents, sometimes referred to as “poopsplosions," happen to all parents. While they suck, if you’re near a trash can, shower, and clean clothes, it’s not so bad. When your diaper story includes having zero supplies for the clean up and being far from home? Oh, man. Godspeed.
When They Get Sick Just As You Left Them With A Sitter For A “Relaxing Night Out”
You never get to go out. Ever. However, now that you finally found a reliable sitter, set up the nanny cams, and maybe even bought some tickets to an awesome concert or sporting event, your kid is getting fussy. Then you get in your car, and just as you park, your sitter calls. “Your baby is sick. He’s puking everywhere. His temperature is up. Can you come back?” Yep.
When They Don’t Sleep The Night Before You Have An Important Work Meeting/Deadline
Babies know when you have to be up early (toddlers do, too, by the way). When you do, they will stay up all damn night crying, playing, screaming, giggling, whatever. Oh, and then there’s the months-long sleep regressions. Those are fun.
When They Bite Your Nipples. Hard.
Any breastfeeding mother knows inevitable challenges are abundant and constant. If you’re able to jump the initial hurdles, like poor latch and poor milk supply, then you start to think you’re in the clear. That is, until your child proves they hate you by biting the hell out of your nipples. OK, maybe they don’t hate you, but it’s still not their most endearing way to show their love.
When They Interrupt Sex...
Babies like interrupting those few moments you get to steal for yourself. It sucks when they interrupt you while you’re in the middle of a chapter of A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms, or a marathon of House of Cards.
However, you know they truly despise you when they interrupt those precious few moments you’re finally able to get laid.
...And Interrupt Orgasms
Now, interrupting sex is one thing. You might be at the very start and, well, you can still brush yourself off and go check on them. But the absolute worst is when they interrupt you just at the moment of climax (whether you’re alone or not). Those precious, golden 10 seconds or so, are now ruined by the fruit of your unsatisfied loins.
When They Chuck A Toy You Carefully Picked Out For Them...
My son loves cars, but sometimes I want to buy him a different kind of toy. A puzzle, perhaps, or a musical instrument, and I envision him opening his gift happily and enjoying it. Then I come home and hand it over, and at best, he enjoys it for a little while, and at worst, he just tosses it aside. Ouch.
...Or Cry When Someone Else Gives Them A Nice Gift (And You Just Want To Die From Embarrassment)
My kid often throws mini fits at the end of a long hour or two of shopping. He’s tired, cranky, maybe hungry. I get it. Usually, store employees will want to offer him a sticker or a coloring book, and he always smacks it away. It’s not cute, kid.
When Their First Word Isn’t Your Name
This isn’t a huge deal, but it definitely stings when your kid says something other than mama (or dada, or whatever you might like your child to call you) the first time they decide to speak. Of course it's nothing personal, but since when do we have to be totally rational at all points of parenthood?
When They Pee On You During A Diaper Change
Changing diapers blows. While you get used to it, it only gets worse as your kid grows. That said, their inability to hold their pee as you change them is something that doesn’t often follow into toddlerhood. Still, it’s no fun getting peed on even when they’re an adorable 2-week-old newborn.
When They Get Sick Again After Having Been Sick Just A Couple Weeks Ago
Babies get sick, and babies get sick way more often when they go to daycare or are in some other way around lots of other kids. It’s just the nature of the beast. You often end up getting sick, too. It’s endlessly frustrating when they are endlessly sick (though one could argue they’re really the ones suffering).
When They Ruin A Carefully Selected And Totally Adorable Outfit
You want your precious little rugrat to look their cutest, especially around holidays and special occasions. You go out of your way to assemble the perfect outfit ever, only for pee or poop to leak out of their diaper. Or they spit up all over it. Or they ruin it in some other way.
When They Just. Won’t. Stop. Crying.
Even if they’ve done all of the above, you’re still pretty sure your baby loves you. After they’ve been fussy or inadvertently mean, they stop and cuddle and maybe even smile at you when you pick them up.
Unless, of course, they don’t. When they just wail and scream and kick and otherwise do their best to cause permanent damage to your hearing via crying, it's difficult to feel like your kid loves you. Like, at all. It’s the worst and we’re pretty sure sometimes they do it on purpose. (They don't.)