It's no secret that first dates can suck. But it wasn't until I went on a few first dates as a single mom that I learned just how bad they can suck. To make matters worse, when I first started dating after becoming a single mom, I had no idea what I was doing. So yeah, I made a few blunders, met more than a few creeps, and had so many awkward and embarrassing first date moments. So when I asked other single moms to reveal their most embarrassing first dates, I learned I was not alone. Solidarity.
I've found that you learn so many humiliating life lessons while dating as a single mom. The first being that people lack reading comprehension skills. On so many first dates, I was forced to awkwardly explain a ton of stuff I thought my date already knew, because it was on my online dating profile, including the fact that I was a single mom. It turns out that a lot of people have serious hang-ups about that. Then, for reasons entirely foreign to me, men would ask me questions about the state of my vagina and why I didn't look like I had been pregnant. One dude texted me asking for a "full body shot" before he'd commit to a date. I didn't reply. Then, there were the people who clearly lied about themselves, or their intentions, when we agreed to meet. Yeah, that single consultant from out of town who "wanted a relationship" was actually married with kids.
My most embarrassing single mom first date ended up being the one who didn't show, because "I had too much baggage." As much as I tried to finish my wine, not cry, and tell myself it was their loss, I was humiliated. When you are a busy single mom you don't have time, or the emotional wherewithal, to waste on dates that suck.
Fortunately, for me and other single moms out there, our time spent going on first dates may eventually come to a close. I ended up marrying the person I went on my last first date with. Until that happens, though, many single moms have to endure a few embarrassing first dates moments, like these ones:
"I full-on peed my pants — not a little leak or trickle — completely pissed myself. We met for a few drinks and apparently after you've had a few kids your bladder hates you, and after two drinks you go from fine to OMG I have to go. The bar we were at had one ladies room with one toilet. While I waited, I could hear two girls in there just talking and laughing away, taking their sweet time and talking about their selfies. I banged on the door a few times and asked if they could please hurry, but just got more laughs and then it just started happening, and I couldn't stop. They finally exited, but the deed was done. I tried to clean up the best I could and thanked God that I wore dark pants, and that it was cold, so I had a knee length coat. I told the guy that I had to go because I had an emergency with my kiddo. I thanked him and quickly got the hell out of there. I was completely mortified."
"I met him on Tinder. I had to pick him up from what I later found out to be his parents' house, because he had a DUI and couldn't drive and also apparently lived with his parents. We went for a walk around the river. He brought a bullwhip along, because I guess he thought it was cool (and not low-key creepy), and made me try it out. I proceeded to snap myself in the leg. It was just a disaster, but definitely one to look back on and laugh at."
"We were supposed to go on a date, but my daughter had lice that wouldn’t go away. He came over with a jar of mayonnaise, because he heard it worked, and we covered her head with it.”
"I went on a date with a guy who was an elf. His dad was a professional Santa. He sent me a photograph he said had been taken that day and when I went to meet him, he was over a 100 pounds bigger. I know he saw the look on my face. I was not interested. I think I was only going out hoping not to be lonely. I didn't like him. He didn't like me. I ended the date by going to smoke a cigarette, because he hated smokers. I cancelled my online dating account the next day after giving my current partner my phone number. She was the only person from the list of messages I had received that I cared if I spoke to again."
"To test the dating waters after my divorce, I got on an online dating site. I start chatting with a guy, and we messaged for a couple of weeks. Then, I get a text from my ex-husband. Apparently this guy worked with my ex and was showing off a picture of 'this hot chick he met online.' I have quite a few online dating horror stories, but that was definitely the most embarrassing."
"I met a guy online. He picked me up in a minivan. He had a full on panic attack because a few birds had pooped on the van. So, we immediately drove to a gas station where he spent the next half hour washing bird sh*t off the car. Then he drove all over town looking for a Sizzler, because it was all he could afford. I finally made him go to a real restaurant and paid for it myself. I never saw him again."
"On my first 'introducing the family' date with my now-wife, I invited her to dinner at our house. My youngest daughter was 4 -ears-old at the time. She was instantly drawn to my date and demanded her attention pretty much the whole night. While I was cooking, my daughter asked her if she wanted to go to the bathroom with her. She was going through a phase where she was scared to be alone or have the bathroom door shut so her sisters, or I, would usually stand outside where we could see her.
My now-wife asked me if it was OK and without really thinking about it, because I knew the drill, I said yes. My daughter ended up pooping, and made my date come in the bathroom to watch the little turds go down the toilet bowl. When they came back she was bright red, and I almost died when she told me what happened. We laughed so hard and still joke about it today."
"I went on my first date as a single mom. My baby was 5-months-old. I went to a movie and dancing with a grad student I had met at school, while eating in the student union. We met at the theater. He paid for tickets, and I got the snacks. Everything was relaxed and easy at first. But, after the movie, we went to a bar, and he started asking me about my birth experience. It was so awkward. It turned out he had Facebook stalked me and was curious about C-sections. It was so weird. Then, after he had politely walked me back to my car, he tried to grope me and asked me if he could come home with me. I quickly got the hell out of there. After that, I ate lunch elsewhere for a while to avoid him."
"A few weeks ago, I went on a date with an old friend from Junior High. We were really good friends, but I hadn't seen him in over 10 years. He picked me up, and he proceeded to tell me about how he was saved by Christ eight years ago, and that he was extremely excited about it. I had to stop him and tell him he was preaching to the wrong person. Not once did he ask me about myself or did we talk about myself in the two hours we were out. He talked about himself, how he was saved, and how much he loved his ex, who left him because of his being saved, because it wasn't God's plan. He went on and on."
Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:
Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.