How Big A Dumpster Fire Your Pregnancy Will Be, Based On Your Baby's Zodiac Sign

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Between my three pregnancies, it seemed like I had every pregnancy complication in the book, from anemia and hyperemesis gravidarum to preterm labor and preeclampsia. I honestly started to wonder if I was cursed. I mean, I tried to eat right, get exercise, and follow all of my doctor's instructions, so was it witchcraft, genetics, or did I piss someone off in a past life? Then again, what if my babies were to blame? I mean, what if your pregnancy woes are actually based on your baby's Zodiac sign? That seems legit.

Now, I don't regularly read my horoscope for insight on my past, present or future, but I thought it might be fun to look up my kids' signs to see if I could learn more about why nature seemed to hate me every time I found myself pregnant. In doing research on the characteristics of people born under different signs of the Zodiac, I didn't really expect to discover anything I would classify as an "amazing insight." However, when you look at how big of a damn dumpster fire my pregnancies were, and then look at my babies' astrological signs, there might actually be something there.

My pregnancies were seriously crappy, so something (or someone) else has to be to blame, right? I can't be that unlucky. It's just not possible. So, if you are expecting your own little bundle of joy, read on to find out just how miserable you are going to be until they make their grand entrance into the world:

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19)

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I'm sorry to say that if your baby is a Capricorn, you might be in for a terrible pregnancy. According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, people with this sign are responsible and disciplined, but also unforgiving and have a tendency to expect the worst. The site lists their dislikes as "almost everything at some point," so you might want to start expecting the worst.

Fear not, though, as your loyal family-oriented baby is sure to move on to hating other things after they are born, like sleeping and losing their pacifier at night.

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)

In my research I discovered that my youngest was born under the sign of Aquarius. Apparently that means he is friendly and smart (true), and that he hates being bored (also true). This makes a lot of sense, when you consider that my pregnancy with him was anything but boring. I had prenatal depression, hyperemesis gravidarum, got hives all over my body and went into preterm labor. It makes me wonder if I would have had a calmer pregnancy with a less temperamental fetus?

Alas, we will never know.

Pisces (February 19 — March 20)

Pisces are known for their relentless compassion and gentle, wise, intuitive nature. They're also music lovers, so it would do you some good to play your little one some songs in the womb. The problem with a Pisces, though? They're also fearful and have a strong desire to escape reality. Prepare to have your baby go way, way past their due date, as they probably won't want to experience something as new as life outside the womb.

Aries (March 21 — April 19)

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According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Aries are passionate, enthusiastic, determined folks with a tendency to be impatient and aggressive. Does your Aries baby keep you awake by kicking you all night long? Does it often feel like they are going to burst from your belly like an alien parasite? Their Aries due date might be to blame, or maybe it was the onion rings you had for dinner?

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)

Reliable, patient, and stubborn, a Taurus will come exactly on their due date because they hate being late and always try to make sure everything goes according to plan. A Taurus is also also sensual, and known for loving soft, natural fabrics and over-indulging in foods, so your Taurus baby might just give you a bad case of hives or the weirdest cravings you can imagine. If you are having a Taurus baby, better stock up on pickles and ice cream and some hydro-cortisone.

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)

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My oldest is a Gemini through and through — curious and affectionate, but also indecisive and anxious. According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Geminis are twins (thankfully, not literally in my case) and are known to have dual personalities, so you never know what you are going to get.

In my daughter's case, my pregnancy was pretty awesome, right up until the last month. I had prodromal labor — contractions with no cervical changes — and went to the hospital so many times the staff recognized me at labor and delivery. I wished she could have made up her damn mind. Then, when I was finally admitted to the hospital for induction, my daughter decided she was not going to wait any longer and my water broke all over the bathroom floor.

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)

As a Cancer, I have to admit that I am a little bit biased. I mean, clearly it's the best sign of the Zodiac. So what if we have a tendency to be moody and emotional? It just means that we are empathetic and nurturing.

Anyway, I have a feeling that moms who are carrying sensitive Cancers might find themselves crying at cereal commercials, and having more than a few mood swings, but that might just be the pregnancy hormones.

Leo (July 23 — August 22)

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A Leo, like an Aries, is a fire sign so they hate being ignored. According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, they are passionate and warm-hearted, but also have a tendency to be self-centered and stubborn. Has your August due date come and gone, and your baby isn't budging? It's not their fault, my friend. Blame the stars.

Virgo (August 23 — September 22)

A Virgo is known for being shy. So, is your baby hard to find with a doppler? Did they turn during the ultrasound so you couldn't get a good glimpse? If they have a Virgo due date, you shouldn't be surprised. Hopefully, they won't still be shy when their due date arrives.

Libra (September 23 — October 22)

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According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Libras have a tendency to be fickle and indecisive. Your Libra little one is likely to send you into labor, only to have them send you home from the hospital when your contractions stop as soon as they get you into a bed and hooked up to a monitor. The good news is that, of course, eventually they will be born. If you are lucky you will make it to the hospital in time when you are actually in labor.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21)

My oldest son is a Scorpio, and it was extremely obvious when I was pregnant with him. According to Astrology Zodiac, a baby born under the Scorpio sign is passionate and assertive. I could definitely describe my unrelenting vomiting during my first two trimesters as assertive. They are also calm and fierce, which is exactly how he came into the world three weeks early due to preeclampsia: my son didn't cry, but just seemed pissed he had to leave my uterus.

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21)

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According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Sagittarius-born people have a tendency to be an impatient bunch. So if you are due sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, your baby just might come early, or you might have the shortest labor ever. Under normal circumstances, this might seem like a good thing, but not if it means giving birth on the side of the freeway. I am not saying that you should necessarily worry, but if your baby is due to be a Sagittarius, you might not want to make travel plans for the holidays.

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