While babies are (sometimes) conceived out of passion, they usually don’t inspire it. Sure, if we're coupled up as parents we might love and appreciate our partners as we see them bond with our little ones, but that doesn’t always equate to getting busy. Besides, us parents are goddamn exhausted. As your little one grows, it's not uncommon to start feeling like your toddler is trying to break up your relationship. Why? Oh, I have no idea. Who the hell knows why toddlers do the things they do, right? They're mysterious, adorable, sometimes infuriating creatures, and I'm convinced that my toddler is trying to break up mom and dad.
This is not to say I don’t completely adore my own toddler. He’s my moon and stars, for sure. And my husband and I do try and carve some time out for one another in the middle of all the parenting we're doing. But our kid? Well, he likes attention. I think most spirited toddlers do. He's also not really into the whole patience thing just yet, so he's pretty awful with his timing. Poop diaper just before dinner? Oh, you bet. A horrible dream when mom and dad are trying to have sexy time? Absolutely.
That’s not even the half of it, though. Toddlers, being the demanding little creatures that they are, often seem hellbent on sabotaging your every effort at romance. Tell me if some of the following sounds familiar (please):
They Interrupt When You Try To Have A Conversation With Your Partner
“Hi baby, how was your...”
“Mommy, come play demolition derby with me!”
“I’m talking to daddy, kiddo. Give me a few...”
“Did you see where my Lightning McQueen is?”
“Probably by the table. Anyway, babe, any idea what we should have for dinner to...”
“Can you help me mama?”
“Just a sec...”
They Throw A Fit If You’re Trying To Do Something With Your Partner Instead Of Them
God forbid I try to do anything productive or fun with my husband while our toddler is around. Watching a TV show that isn’t about a fish with amnesia or race cars? Not on his watch. Trying to clean the house? He’s gonna yell, and it’s not going to be fun.
They Stick To One Of You Like Glue & Make The Other Parent Feel Lousy (As If It Were A Game)
Lately, I feel pretty bad for my partner. Our son has been glued to me every afternoon and evening. I try to get away, but the damn kid won’t budge.
They Have A Meltdown So You Can’t Leave On Your Date Night
My partner and I were supposed to go to a concert a few weeks ago. I had a babysitter lined up (last minute because our other one had canceled) and I was so psyched. Then our kid just blew up in tantrum mode. He was crying and screaming, saying he didn’t want the babysitter over, he just wanted us. My husband was already exhausted and wasn’t too set on seeing the show, so I went on my own. And while I was able to sell his ticket and all, I was pretty bummed to lose our only date night out in months.
They Spill Something On You Just As You’re About To Leave The House
While babies are notorious for spitting up on their parents almost directly after they exit the shower, toddlers are a bit more creative. They might “accidentally” knock over a cup of milk... onto the couch. Or “accidentally” drop a box of saltines on the carpet... and the proceed to stomp on them. And it’s always at an inopportune time.
They Get "Sick" Just Long Enough So You Have To Come Home Early
While this hasn’t happened to me just yet, I’ve heard the scenario described from many moms. Kids will suddenly fall ill and be sent home from school or the babysitter will call to let you know they’re not doing so hot. Except when you go get them, they’re perfectly fine. “Mommy, you’re the cure!” Sure, kid. Sure.
They Literally Stand Between You & Your Partner So You Can’t Get Close
My son used to do this to his grandparents, but now he does it more to my husband and I. We can’t hug or kiss or even sit next to each other. He’s got to be at the center of it all. Stop blowing up my spot, kid.
They Take Over Your Bed
Someone please tell my son we finished co-sleeping months ago. Because we had, and it was awesome. He would sleep in his bed no problem. Until he started waking in the middle of the night to crawl into our bed. Then the summer got hot and his room wasn’t ventilated enough, so we let him stay with us. Now, he’s back to ruling the roost and I’m tired of toddler feet in my back.
They Refuse To Go The F*ck To Sleep When You’re Finally Feeling Lucky
Toddlers just have a way of knowing whether you and your partner are looking to get a little freaky. They’ll just prolong going to bed until you’re too tired to do it afterward anymore. Worse, they’ll just force themselves into your bed and effectively take away your go-to sex spot.
They Wake Up Just As Things Are Getting Steamy...
Your partner is up. You’re up. They’re going downtown and reciting the alphabet and your body is tingling and all is right with the world until... oh. What’s that? The sound of a toddler crying in the next room? No! But, but... they’re already on N and O might actually get you to O. Ah, crap. There goes my ladyboner.
... Or Worse, They Walk In, Mortifying You Both For Life
Nothing (and I mean nothing) is worse than finally going at it and losing your inhibitions until you hear a door creak open. It’s dark (hopefully) so your kiddo might not have seen too much. Plus they’re sleepy so maybe their eyes are still closed. Regardless, though, you’ll jump 50 feet into the air, then bury yourself in the covers and pretend like you’re just waking up.
“Mommy, you don’t have any clothes on.”
“I know honey, it’s just really hot in this room and I was about to uh, take a shower…”
Your partner will begrudgingly understand that duty calls, and you’ll both wonder why on earth you ever decided to do this whole parenting thing to begin with. Sigh.