Ah, Target. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height of thy aisles. I love thee with the breath, smiles, and tears of a woman who's just saved 5 percent. With all apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning, my love for the big red bullseye is deep and abiding. So naturally, during the discomfort of my pregnancy, I sought refuge in the warm embrace of its Threshold bath towels. Thus began the series of bad decisions I made at Target while pregnant.
Shopping at Target has always been a source of unbridled joy in my life. I realize this is the first worldliest, most basic thing I could say, but I'm already wearing Toms and LuLaRoe leggings while sipping on a protein power berry smoothie, so whatever. Honestly, there's stuff I need, and I have to go somewhere to purchase that necessary stuff. Personally, I'd rather patronize a business that supports LGBTQ equality and has an on-point breastfeeding policy, so Target it is.
Unfortunately, hopped up on hormones isn't exactly the best state in which to go shopping at a place where I already exhibit so little self-control. I love you, Target, but please, don't let me pass through your automatic doors next time I'm pregnant.
When I Visited The Dollar Spot
Bullseye's Playground is so conveniently located in the front of the store and filled with delightful things I definitely don't need but somehow end up with in my cart. Tiny tea light lanterns? Pregnant me definitely requires those. "Welcome Baby" garland? You guys, it says "baby." It's coming home with me. Obvi.
When I Decided To Register
I'm just going to go ahead and say that it is a clear and present danger to hand a pregnant woman a scanning device. Since I knew I'd get a discount for completing my registry, I put everything I could think of on my list, including all the furniture I knew no one would get me but that I'd be buying anyway. When I checked out, they gave me a swag bag full of things. Things, you guys. You know how much I love things!
When I Bought A Hot Dog
During my first trimester I had to eat constantly to keep my nausea at bay. Good options were a string cheese or granola bar. You know what was a bad option, though? Yeah, a hot dog. I pretty much immediately barfed that delicious all-beef frank. So if you're pregnant and at the cafe, may I suggest the popcorn?
When I Purchased Maternity Clothes
Let me be clear about one thing: I did not need maternity clothing. Two of my friends had sent me their hand-me-downs, so I was flush in the free-flowing shirt and elastic waist pants department. The tunics and dresses were so cute, though, so I just couldn't help myself. I was glad when I had something to wear to my husband's promotion ceremony, so maybe it wasn't a terrible decision after all.
When I Applied For A Red Card
When you make your purchase on your Red Card, you get 5 percent off and free shipping when you shop online. If you're me, that means you spend more because you know your discount hasn't been factored in yet. It's fun to watch the growing amount saved at the bottom of your receipt until you realize that if you double the number and add a zero, that's how much you've spent all year. Yikes.
When I Bought Baby Clothes
I really didn't need to buy any baby clothes at all. I had three baby showers, and if I learned anything, it's that people love to give adorable little outfits. I made the mistake of registering for a set of popsicle-themed onesies, and I got them in newborn, six month, and nine month sizes.
Another problem with buying bigger sizes? Where I live, we have a little thing called "seasons." Although you can calculate the age of your child in, say, December, you cannot know the size of said child at that time. My baby, for example, was always one size ahead in pajamas. That adorable footed fleece sleeper could end up fitting your baby in August, in which case the Goodwill appreciates your donation.
Another important note: babies don't need shoes. You know, on account of the whole "no walking" thing.
When I Visited The Wine Aisle
Nothing like coming face-to-face with a wall full of wine cubes to make you crave something you can't have. I may or may not have lovingly stroked a bottle of red and cooed to it, saying, "Don't worry, cabernet. Someday you and I shall be reunited, and it will be glorious."
When I Compared Myself To The Red Balls
You know you're in the third trimester when you start to look at large, round objects to see how you stack up. I distinctly remember walking past those big red balls outside of Target and thinking to myself, "Oh, sweet Jesus. Is that what I look like? A human with a cement Target ball strapped to her belly?"
When I Downloaded The Cartwheel App
I've never been big on coupons. I like saving money, sure, but it always seemed too time consuming. Enter Cartwheel app. I do so love my smartphone. I also enjoy praise. App designers know exactly what they're doing with "unlocking" more offers and awarding badges (Oooh! I'm a super saver!). Now I search for coupons before I go to Target, and invariably end up with something that wasn't initially on my list. Because at 50 percent off, I couldn't afford not to buy it, right?
When I Decided My Nursery Theme
Early on, I knew that I wanted a woodland theme. It was nice and gender-neutral, and at the time, foxes were hot (like Hansel hot, you guys). That also meant that anytime I saw anything with a fox on it I "had" to buy it. That means I once came home with floss inside a fox-shaped container. You know, for my toothless, unborn child.
When I Bought Coffee At Starbucks
This would have been an excellent decision for me if not for the stink-eye I received from the self-appointed caffeine police AKA the unsavory denizens of Target who otherwise ruined my blissful experience. If only Target made a maternity shirt that said, "Not that it's any of your business, but it's a chai tea, buddy."
When I Discovered Specialty Collections
Why, Target, why? Pillowfort, Cat and Jack, Just One You (Carter's for Target), and Oh Joy! These collections were designed with people like me in mind. Like, I see your taco joke onesie and raise you a plush mounted unicorn head. There's something about knowing that a product is by a famous designer that makes me a total consumer monster who must possess it.
When I Spent My Entire Paycheck
Is it just me, or do things seem to escalate quickly at Target? Like, I go in for a pen and invariably leave having spent $100. I had just gotten married when I got pregnant, so it was the first time in a long time that I had any disposable income. Instinctively, I disposed of it at Target.
I'm not pregnant anymore, but if I'm being honest, things haven't changed much in this department. I still spend all my cash money, but now I enjoy some nachos in the process.