Pregnancy is tough for pregnant people, sure, but it can also be difficult for couples. The lust and intimacy that caused said pregnancy, tends to go the way of the dodo once the fetus makes its presence known. The first trimester can be especially hellish on pregnant folks; causing nausea, bloating, fatigue, and a general "screw you" attitude. Getting down and dirty takes a back seat, which sucks for everyone involved (or not involved, really). It's cool, though, because there are some legit ways to turn a pregnant woman on and lucky for you, dear reader, I’m about to share them.
Now, normally turning someone on can involve things like candlelit dinners and long walks on the beach and even a few select foods that boost libido. These tried-and-true methods don't necessarily work for pregnant ladies, though. Your fancy dinner will be interrupted by her constant need to burp, fart, and use the bathroom, and no pregnant woman wants to take a long walk because her feet hurt, her back hurts, and once again, she’s got to pee. Those foods that can boost your libido might be foods that she has an aversion to because, well, pregnancy is just the best. Sure, you could try serenading her if you’re a musician, but she probably just wants you to quit interrupting her so she can relax. You could make the mistake of buying her fancy lingerie, which will likely not fit (or fit comfortably), and she’ll hate you for it.
So just like pregnancy changes pretty much every aspect life, it's going to change how a couple gets down and dirty. While it's important (now and always) that consent be a constant part of any sexual relationship, here are just a few ways you can get your pregnant partner in the mood:
First, Don’t Try To Have Sex With Them
For real. If you want any chance at all of getting laid, don’t touch them. Don’t hint at sex. Don’t flirt. Basically, just leave them the hell alone. They’ll let you know if they ever somehow feel the need to feel your genitals in any way.
Get Rid Of All Offensive And Non-Offensive Smells From The Household
Don’t light candles for your pregnant partner. They will hate the smell of lavender and evergreen and sugar cookies and every other smell. Chances are, they will use said candles to set fire to your belongings for having such a ridiculous idea in the first place. Also, never cook fish or anything else really. Just, no.
Make A List Of Their Usual Cravings, Then Surprise Them
Ah, food. Now this can work once the nausea subsides (if it ever does and I feel for you, folks who’ve had hypermesis gravidarum). I’m pretty sure if my husband had brought me Taco Bell Mexican pizzas and Cheetos and ice cream during my pregnancy, I would’ve jumped his bones right away. Well, if I hadn’t also been pregnant, that is.
Leave Any And All Last Bites For Them
Nothing says true love like giving someone that last, coveted bite of cake or meatball sub or whatever else. Always offer them one last bite, one last sip, and one last taste. Of course, they might suddenly feel nauseated again and hate you for it.
Get Her Subscriptions To Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, And HBONow
Your lady doesn’t want to do much while she grows a human, but I can tell you what she probably does want to do. Watch every episode of Gilmore Girls, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, and or any other shows with awesome feminist characters. OK, maybe that’s just me, but really; unlimited television is a joy for most pregnant persons.
Relinquish All Control Of The Pillows ...
You don’t really need more than one pillow, right? I mean, really, really need more than one. But pregnant folks sure as hell do. Our bodies grow in all kinds of uncomfortable ways and the only way to get any sleep is by placing a fortress of pillows all around us. Seriously, it makes us hot. Well, temperature hot anyway, so turn down the thermostat while you’re at it.
...Or, Better Yet, Go Sleep On The Couch
Look, if you haven’t gotten it yet you’re probably not gonna get laid. If you are, your pregnant partner will let you know. However, you’ll up your odds if you just sleep elsewhere so she can get a good night’s rest and be in a potentially decent mood in the morning.
Always Let Her Use The Restroom First, No Matter How Badly You Need To Go
I was once at a teen religious retreat back in my Catholic days and someone described what orgasms feel like: like holding your pee for hours and hours and finally letting go. That’s, well, not entirely accurate, though I get the release of tension part.
So, if your pregnant partner needs to pee, always let them go first so they, too, can experience this pseudo-orgasmic feeling (especially because you probably won’t be giving them any anytime soon).
Clean The House, Quietly, And Without Complaint
Nothing is sexier than watching your partner clean up, without being asked, without any complaints. Just watching them vacuum back and forth, or lathering up the dishes in the sink, or scrubbing that toilet on all fours (oh baby). This one actually might get you laid.
Read The Baby Books (And Even Introduce Her To New Ones)
OK, one thing that’s almost as sexy as watching a partner clean house is watching them read. Reading is sexy, folks, and pregnant mamas want their partners reading about the baby, too. When my husband told me he was reading about episiotomies, I almost took him right then and there (until I remembered that I might end up having one and then I just hated him for getting me pregnant).
Find Childbirth And Parenting Classes And Sign Up
This is also quite sexy. When a partner shows the initiative to get involved in the birth, pregnant persons get just a little turned on. They probably won’t admit it, of course, but they totally dig it. Until they get to the class and talk about labor, and then they just hate you for not being the one to carry the baby.
Set Up The Nursery With Things She Picked Out
Do help in setting up the nursery. Don’t just buy a bunch of ugly, mismatched stuff or things that only appeal to you (your infant won’t care much for that basketball team photo but, then again, they’re infants and probably won’t care much for the cute giraffe clock you registered for either). Whatever, just make sure to include lots of stuff that the pregnant parent likes and make it look nice.
Actually Find A Way To Give Birth Yourself
Want your pregnant partner to finally have as much sex with you as they did prior to pregnancy? Cool, just find a way to do the whole pregnancy bit yourself and you’re in for a sex-travaganza!
Then again, if you find a way to handle pregnancy on your own, you probably won't be in the mood to have sex, either.