Erotic Things You Should Do For A Millennial Mom

Millennial moms, like all moms, need a little TLC. For a while now, millennials have been described as “whiny” or "lazy" or "self-obsessed." Yes, we do complain, because there’s lots to complain about. While it might not seem like it, we work hard (especially moms). And OK fine; sometimes we spend a little more time taking selfies, but whatever. Regardless, we could still use a hand. That’s why I'll be the first to suggest these erotic things you could do for a millennial mom.

Now, I’m not exactly talking about sex tips for getting the millennial mom in your life all hot and bothered (although, for the record, we like that, too). I’m talking more every-day stuff that might seem trivial but, in the big scheme of things, make an incredible difference. Because, well, here's the thing; some of our partners don’t get that if you want us to be in the mood when you are, you gotta put in the effort all the time. It’s not enough to get a random back massage, my friends.

In other words, if you’re the one cleaning up the kid vomit off the floor? Yeah, we’ll remember that later on. So, there’s the first one: Clean The Kid Vomit. No one wants to do that, especially not moms. Want more chances of possibly getting laid in the future? Well, you're welcome:

Hand Over Your Phone To Your Toddler So She Can Have Hers Back

Yeah, yeah, I know. Screen time is not so great. However, we all do it and I, for one, am not ashamed. However, letting my kid use my phone gets to be annoying when I need it myself (how else am I supposed to stay updated on the current executive orders of our Dumpsterfire Administration?) So, you know, quit playing Angry Birds on yours and give it up once in a while.

Agree To Role-Play As Khal Drogo (Or The Khaleesi)

OK, this one actually is erotic. As new, possibly-undersexed mamas, the idea of getting a little freaky in the sack can be quite appealing. So wouldn’t it be nice if your partner gets on board with making some of your TV fantasies come true? (Hint: the answer is yes.)

Promise To Take The Kid(s) To The Park So She Can Catch Up On Solo Time

When a partner agrees to take the kid(s) off your hands, you hear birds singing and the sky turns blue and the clouds part and the blessed sun shines down upon you. Seriously, it’s magical.

Do this so she can catch up on One Day At A Time, or clean house, or masturbate (this is a double-plus for you, because that means she’ll probably re-awaken dormant sexual impulses and you might benefit later), just give her some time to enjoy herself. Chances are, she doesn't get the opportunity to experience those moments very often.

“Like” All Her Instagram Photos

It’s a pretty millennial thing to do, but who cares? It takes half a second to double-click a heart, you guys. We’re all hooked on the damn thing so just show us you’re even remotely interested and there may be some too-hot-for-Instagram moments coming your way soon.

Actually Answer Her Texts Within 2 Minutes And With More Than Just “K”

Like, for real. Y’all need to not with these vague and tiny texts. They drive us all batty. Have an opinion, make a statement, and extend your freaking vocabularies.

Get On Board With Sending Her Sexy (And Not-So-Sexy) Snaps

Nothing makes a millennial mom feel more loved than getting a random snap from her beau. OK, that’s not entirely true, but I’m not getting more crass than that. For now.

Anyway, you should go ahead and put on one of those silly puppy filters and make her smile. Don’t send unsolicited genital pics but do send a quality, suggestive photo at some point perhaps.

Agree To Join Her On A Fun Run (And Maybe Rub Her Feet Afterward)

Once you get into your late 20s, and especially 30s, a segment of your friends will become “runners.” Maybe it’s because that’s when we start to feel aches and pains and realize our bodies need more than PBR and pizza to keep them going.

Many millennial moms dig these runs (even the non-runners, like fun runs!), so sign up with her (or hell, sign her up as your date) and you’re bound to get lucky (eventually, and when her legs aren’t on fire anymore).

Encourage Her Selfie Habits And Don’t Disparage Them

Let your queen (ahem, millennial mom partner) know that she is gorgeous. Never make fun of her ability to recognize her own beauty via self-portrait. She’s not vain or ego-maniacal. She’s simply confident and this helps her continue to boost her confidence and as you may or may not know, confidence can lead to some seriously good sex.

Buy Her Tickets To The Hanson Reunion Show

Mmmm bop, bidoobydop a doowop dooby bop bop. Yeah, if she’s a millennial she probably fangirled hard over Taylor Hanson (I mean, the other brothers were OK and all, but Taylor? Yes.).

Call her an Uber, put the tickets in her hands, and let her go. (And if Hanson isn’t her thing, maybe the Spice Girls will make a comeback? C’mon, Posh is still sexy as hell and we all know it).

You Create A Hashtag For Her Birthday Or Other Special Occasions

Goofy, I know. However, if you let folks know to use the hashtag for all the photos they take at the event? Suddenly, not so goofy. In fact, more like considerate. Even a little erotic? Maybe?

Don’t Mess With Her Netflix...

Netflix has this annoying algorithm thing which, sure, is sometimes good (I appreciate the “strong female leads” category as much as the next feminist) but can also be bad.

Like, say your partner decides to watch a Steven Segal movie on your Netflix profile? Now you have recommendations based on watching Under Siege 2 on your queue when you’d much rather watch something similar to Frances. Ugh. So if you want to remain on her good side, don’t do this. Ever.

...And, In Fact, Compliment Her Netflix Queue

Everyone enjoys a compliment, and everyone thinks they have impeccable taste in TV and movies. (What, you think my love of Michelle Williams indie movies, and '90s teen dramas is something to scoff at?) But it’s so hot when someone else compliments your taste. She’ll be drooling. (OK, no, not really. But she’ll certainly appreciate it.)