Ever since I was a kid, I've been obsessed with astrology. It's not that I believe in it, I just find it to be an entertaining frame through which to consider events and people. When I found out I was pregnant, one of the first things I did was calculate my children's star signs. It wasn't that I expected my kids to conform to these ancient archetypes, but I wanted to know what that was
supposed to mean for their future personalities. Sure, laugh, but before you know it you'll be wondering how well your toddler will actually listen to you, based on their Zodiac sign, because it's only weird if it doesn't work, you guys.
Let's be crystal clear: even under the most placid and compliant star sign,
toddlers aren't usually prone to listening. At least not all the time. And, yes, every person has a unique personality, regardless of where the stars were when they were born. For example, I am probably the least Capricorn-y Capricorn I know, which is sort of odd for someone who loves the Zodiac to admit.
Regardless, though, it's fun to take a look at what's out there and consider how the qualities (and flaws) of each sign translates into toddler life. Because not only is it entertaining, but
as the mother of a toddler I know I'm curious in literally any insight I can get into how to make my daughter listen. Stars, snake oils, well-researched scientific journals? I'll take them all with the necessary amount of salt. At worst it just gives me something to dismiss, and at best it gives me something to think about. So, what can you expect from your little star-gazer? Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You know the phrase "too clever by half?" That was probably first said of an Aquarius. This sign is marked by a deep and creative intellect. Fortunately for you, they're also generally friendly and open-minded, so they will usually listen to what you have to say. However, being born under Aquarius also predispositions one toward a bit of a
self-righteous stubborn streak — a streak that doesn't particularly GAF about how what they're saying affects your feelings. Verdict: You'll be mostly fine, but there will be times when your very soul will be tested. Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces are often hailed as the most compassionate and emotionally deep of all the star signs. They're also very impressionable and have a tendency to adapt to their environments, both of which bode well in regards to how well you can expect them to listen. But since both Pisces and toddlers are
extremely emotional by nature, this means you are in for, well, some times. I would suggest investing in tissues, because your child is going to go through a whole lot of them in their life. Just buy them by the palate at a big box store. These emotions can often manifest as a bit of a martyr complex. Verdict: They'll listen pretty well, but you'll be hearing about their woe-is-me toddler struggles a lot. Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries are natural-born leaders. They're brave, energetic, optimistic and honest. Think of them as
the Gryffindors of the Zodiac... but, like Gryffindors, they don't always think the rules apply to them (even if they know that they do). Have you ever seen a mother calling to her toddler to come back and the child starts running faster? Yeah, that kid's probably an Aries baby. They also have fiery tempers and can get a bit aggressive. So I'd look into a helmet and elbow pads for when you have to wrangle your peevish, flailing toddler, because it's going to happen. Verdict: Good luck out there, mama. Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The bad news is that a Taurus is stubborn. Truly, deeply, uncompromisingly stubborn. They're also materialistic and possessive, so heaven help you if you ever
try to make them share a toy. The good news is that they're also friendly, loyal, and practical. So if you appeal to their sense of "really, this is best for everyone," their down-to-earth pragmatism will generally prevail. Verdict: Ultimately they will listen, but you're probably going to have to work for it. Gemini (May 21- June 20)
All signs have their dichotomies, but perhaps none are quite as pronounced as those of a Gemini — the twins. Either they're going to be blithe, expressive, flexible, and witty little spirits who just want to have fun and make sure everyone gets along... or they'll be clingy, nervous wrecks, paralyzed by indecision. Whether or not they'll deign to listen to you will depend entirely on which Gemini your child has decided to be that day.
Verdict: A Gemini is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you're gonna get. Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Beneath their hard exoskeletons, these little crabs are loving, sensitive, innovative, family-oriented homebodies. On the outside, however, they're often seen as moody, surly, closed off and, well, pretty crabby. Moreover, they are entirely self-motivated (they cannot be bribed) and they don't always take kindly to authority figures. They're also notorious pessimistic and grudge-holders, so they'll remember if you've slighted them in any way.
Verdict: They're going to be dedicated to you, which is good, but beware their pinchers. Leo (July 23-August 22)
All the world loves a Leo... because if they don't that lion is going to roar. Leos are
the center of attention (because they demand it), the life of the party (because it will mean all eyes are on them), and good-natured (who wouldn't be with all that positive attention). Yes, they're showy and egotistical and demanding of your attention, but damned if they're not super charming about it. As to whether or not they'll listen to you, as long as you're paying attention to them they'll probably be pretty compliant. Verdict: Pledge your unwavering devotion to your Leo toddler and nobody gets hurt. Virgo (August 23-September
You know the trope in media of "the head servant who does everything"? Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes in
Downton Abbey? Emily in The Devil Wears Prada? Baileywick in Sofia the First? They're all quintessential Virgos. They are fastidious and precise, loyal, hardworking, practical, and analytical. They like things to be orderly and routine, and, as such, are usually good at following instructions and working toward a common goal. On the other hand, they can be a bit skeptical and fussy. So the challenge may not be that they don't listen to you, but that you may need to placate their impossibly high standards (and they will absolutely be judging you behind your back if you don't). Verdict: Your little Virgo will not only listen to you, but they will take notes and find ways to improve. Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras are people pleasers and want solutions that work best for everyone. I mean, their sign is "the scales," so it makes sense that they like to be in balance. They're very diplomatic, charming, and laid-back (sometimes a little
too laid back and it reads as being detached). In fact, they're so agreeable and hate conflict so much that they actually have a difficult time saying "no," which can lead them to attend many a pity-party. Be aware of your Libra's tendency toward agreeing just to keep the peace, because this can lead them to quiet seething, and is there anything more dangerous in this world than a quietly seething toddler? (OK, maybe a loudly seething toddler?) Verdict: Yes! Of course! Absolutely! No problem! For sure? You good? I'm good! We're all good! Yepper-doo! Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Oh honey. Come here and sit down.
Need a drink? Of course you do, because you have a Scorpio toddler. Now, don't get me wrong — Scorpios are amazing. They're scrappy, brave, passionate, ambitious, and loyal. But they're also fiercely and uncompromisingly independent. Pair that with the fact that they're emotional and unforgiving and, yeah, this kid is never going to listen to you unless they want to. Also? Their rage runs cold and they can be master manipulators. Verdict: This child is amazing and will conquer the world one day... but they will make you cry. My advice would be to buy a hat and to hold the f*ck on to it. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You know the kid who is mischievous and naughty, but no one can ever seem to get all that mad at them because they're just so damn charming? Classic Sagittarius. They're enthusiastic, outgoing, and just all-around fun, but they're also inattentive, impulsive, and sometimes even a bit aggressive. They're also honest to a fault, so they're definitely that kid who will have no problem telling Aunt Tilly that she smells like old people. (But they're so guileless and charming that they manage to get away with it.) Your independent and restless Sagittarius will probably not be all that interested in following instructions.
Verdict: When it comes to listening, your little archer will probably miss the mark. (Come for the horoscope, stay for the dad jokes!) Capricorn (November 23-January
Capricorns are ambitious, intellectual, pragmatic, and
natural executives. And while they value family and respect status, that cannot compete with their desire to control everything (and everyone) in their world. So sure, they might listen to you. But there's a better chance that they will hear your proposal and then come up with all the reasons your ideas are subpar before telling you not just what they will be doing but what you will be doing to contribute to their plan. Verdict: You're doomed unless you can trick your little mermaid-goat thingy into thinking they have more power and control than they actually do. Placate them with a modicum of responsibility or choice and let them run with that. Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries : What Parents Are Talking About — Delivered Straight To Your Inbox