Remember the days of super sweaty marathon-style sex? The kind where you do it, pass out, do it again, grab breakfast, and keep going until your entire body aches? Or when you wanted your partner so bad you often couldn’t wait until you got home so you wound up doing it in a bathroom stall, or the car, or wherever. Then you became a parent. Sure, we love our kids, but sometimes we miss those crazy sexual escapades. That's why you might want to take note of some of these hot sex position for parents, guaranteed to put the spice back into your lovemaking! Or, you know, something like that.
Now, if you’re looking for a kama sutra-style guide, this probably isn’t it. Honestly, some of these aren’t even really positions you’d actually want to use. Or maybe they are, who knows (I don't know your life so, hey, no judgments here). More than anything, they’re inspired by slices of life that us parents all know far too well and learn to just accept. Some might resonate more with toddler parents (like me!), while others might be more amusing to those who just became moms and are in charge of caring for a newborn. There’s also a few “positions” that will make the more experienced parents in the crowd smirk. Either way, I don’t actually suggest you try any of these at home.
The Last-Minute Gift
This sex position only occurs on special events, namely birthdays and any other holiday in which you’ll be giving your child a wrapped present. After your kid is fast asleep, sneak out with your partner (to the living room, your bedroom, a walk-in closet, whatever) and proceed to undress each other. Do your best not to step on any of the leftover gift wrap or scissors on the floor and go to town. Just make sure you don’t get any tape stuck in any uncomfortable places.
The Standing On Legos
Fifty Shades of Grey has nothing on this position. Let your kid leave their legos out on the floor tonight and, after they go to bed, head over to where the tiny blocks of doom are and get ready for some painfully good sex (or maybe just painful, I’m not sure). As you stand on the legos, you’ll surely want to hurry the hell up so this is also good for a BDSM-style of quickie.
Looking for a quickie? This one’s for you! Set a timer for daycare or preschool pick up, then go to town on each other. The first one to make the other orgasm should then proceed to get dressed quickly and pick up your child while the other gets to enjoy 15 minutes of alone time.
The Noisy Toy
Start by going down on your partner. Then, just as they’re about to finish, turn on your kid’s nosiest toy and distract the hell out of them. See if they can get back to about-to-finish status without laughing or hitting you over the head.
(Just kidding. This is totally mean. Don’t do this.)
Did you kid finally go to bed after a lengthy nap time battle? Awesome! This is the perfect time to have sex with your partner. However, and of course, you’ve got to be careful not to make a sound. Put on your best Marcel Marceau impression and get it on without making a peep. And hey, if it’s close to Easter, you can always add a twist and maybe involve a few marshmallow peeps to your silent lovemaking.
After your millionth 3 a.m. diaper change, nudge your partner awake and have the laziest sex of your life. Forget about sleep, because your baby will be up before you know it, anyway. You might as well just stay awake and get some, right? Take turns catering to baby, then coming back to one another for more lazy sex (or maybe just mutual masturbation?) Who needs sleep?
The Birthday Cake
Children’s birthday parties are hectic. Once the kid hits peak sugar crash and all the guests are gone, scoop up a little birthday icing and get strategic with your oral play. Your kids don’t have to know why the icing that used to be a race track is now smudged, right?
But who are we kidding, you’re probably passed out on a pile of gift wrap, anyway.
The Temper Tantrum
Tell your partner you have a special evening planned. You’ve got a sitter and everything. Then, when you’re finally alone, proceed to stamp your feet and shriek at the top of your lungs about everything they’ve pissed you off about. Left the toilet seat up? Forgot to throw a diaper in the trash? Didn’t pick up their laundry off the floor? Sink full of dishes? Let it all out. Maybe even take turns and once you’re done (assuming there's still time) maybe have sex.
The 'Caillou' (Or Other Obnoxious Cartoon)
Step 1: Get undressed.
Step 2: Turn on Caillou.
Step 3: See how long each of you can pretend to stay turned on while you simultaneously feel every impulse leave your body and be replaced with a sheer hatred of said cartoon.
Most won’t make it past the theme song. Bonus round: instead of turning on the cartoon, simply hum the theme song as you start having sex. At least this is good birth control, right?