I suck at beauty. I think one of my New Year’s Resolutions is going to be to finally get on YouTube and learn what the hell contouring is. I’ve just never been gifted in the makeup art department. I was basically a hot mess long before I became a mom, so now I fall into the hot mess mom category. I don't mind, but I don’t always enjoy schlepping around in dirty yoga pants and no makeup. After all, the internet is full of advice for folks like me. Hell, there are even beauty hacks for hot mess moms to keep us looking and feeling just a little less, well, messy.
Now, beauty hacks are basically little tips and shortcuts and that’s exactly what all of these are. Nothing on this list will cost you much more than what you already spend on your baby or toddler. In fact, I'd venture to guess these hacks will cost you significantly less than whatever the obscene number of dollars you spend on your kid is. You also won’t feel too distraught if said child(ren) steals the items on this list, or flushes them down the toilet (because toddlers).
Many of these hacks will save you a bit of time (though possibly at the expense of your personal hygiene). Or maybe some of these will actually improve your personal hygiene (I’m looking at you, moms of newborns). Check ‘em out, see if they help, or track me down on Twitter and tell me this is gross. Your move, reader.
Try Baby Wipe Showers
Remember those long, luxurious baths you used to take prior to having kids? Bath bombs and candles and maybe even a glass of wine and a good book? OK, maybe you weren’t that fancy (I wasn’t).
However, I still miss the days when I could shave my legs fully without stepping on a toddler (or worrying about one walking in on me). An army friend of mine once told me they used to carry baby wipes to clean the “essentials” when they were on duty and couldn’t shower. Noted.
Try Baby Wipe Face Exfoliations
Baby wipes are pretty great for cleaning off leftover makeup, too. If you somehow managed to put on makeup and sneak away for a while, chances are you got home and immediately passed out on your bed. Or the floor. Use these and your kid won’t ask why you look like a Juggalo reject. (Haha just kidding, Juggalos don’t reject anyone).
Use Men's Deodorant
Toddlers like to hide things. Important things. Things like credit cards and birth control pills and deodorant. So if you’re needing to run out the door, just swipe someone else’s. Sure you might smell like pine trees or whatever the hell “Pure Sport” is supposed to smell like, but who’s getting that close to your pits anyway? Conversely, you can stock up on deodorant at Costco and have several hidden all over your house, car, in your bag, etc.
Use Lipstick And Eyeliner As Crayons
Maybe this won’t make you beautiful, but it will beautify any piece of paper your kid finds. Meaning you’ll be just slightly less stressed out. Pick up some cheap-o lipsticks, or give your kid that one tube that you thought would look super freaking hot but actually makes your lips look like they’ve got gangrene.
Dress In Layers To Hide Potential Spit-Up
Layers are not only awesome in the winter, they're also awesome in case of spit-up. If one layer ends up becoming victim to your baby’s imitation of Linda Blair from The Exorcist, worry not! You can use it to wipe up whatever’s left on their chin, and you still have something clean underneath.
Use A Toothbrush To Plump Up Your Lips Before Adding Lipstick/Gloss/Saliva
You’re a new mom. I get it. All your extra cash is now going toward diapers and really cute outfits for your kid and possibly highly expensive formula. Those $10 tubes of lipstick will have to wait. Fortunately, you can make your lips look pretty hot just by brushing them lightly with your toothbrush and smacking on a bit of Cherry Chapstick on top. Good to go! (See? This one was actually helpful!)
Use Long-ish Nails Sometimes As Tweezers
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably constantly losing your tweezers. They’re like the bobby pins of your beauty bag. Frequently misplaced, always missing at the wrong moment. But there have been moments when I really, really needed a tweezer (like when I missed one tiny hair on my face) and I was only saved by my long-ish nails and strong grip. This doesn’t work too often or effectively, but it’s also not impossible.
Use Tweezers Instead Of A Razor
On the flip side, while tweezers got frequently lost, razors often end up going dull before getting replaced. If you’re in the need to shed some unwanted hair but lack a decent razor, you can always use tweezers to go smooth. Of course, this will be at a snail’s pace and you will surely want to scream through the torture, but doesn’t pain equal beauty? Or maybe pain just equals a triggering of the nervous system. Who knows.
Use Febreeze Instead Of Doing Laundry
C’mon, we’ve all done it at least once, right? You let a pair of pants or a t-shirt go a bit ripe and suddenly realize you need to leave the house. But, gasp, you haven’t done laundry since your kid learned to sit up on their own. Febreeze to the rescue! It’s not just for furniture, you guys.
Use Cold Teething Rings To Reduce The Appearance That You Don’t Sleep Anymore
Maybe you take pride in your new under-eye baggage, and you like that chic “I just don’t sleep enough” face that even the beauty mags haven’t quite caught up to yet. Oh, wait, you don’t? Alright, well since you probably don’t have extra cucumber slices in your fridge, try putting your baby’s teething ring over your eyes (after they’ve been washed and left in the freezer for a few hours).
Wait For Your Kid To Embarrass You Instead Of Using Blush
Alright, so I’ve never quite learned to use blush, but that’s OK once you’re a mom. See, your kids will eventually find a way to embarrass the hell out of you, which will result in you turning 50 shades of red in no time. If you’re feeling like you need a bit of color, just take away your child’s favorite toy in public and wait for the blood to rush to your cheeks in no time flat.
Wash Your Bras While You Shower
Any mom that tells you she washes all her bras on a weekly basis is a liar. OK, maybe it’s not all moms, but many of us tend to forget to wash these important undergarments.
Wear them into the shower, then scrub them up with soap, rinse, and hang them over the towel rack. By the time you get to shower again, they’ll be dry and ready to beautify your boobs (that’s what bras do, right? No? Why do we wear these things again?)
Rub Your Baby’s Vaseline On Your Teeth To Smile Like A Beauty Queen While You Internally Scream
Parenting is tough, and there will be days you want to set everything on fire and run far, far away. It’s cool, I get it. But for the majority of us, that is not an option. When you once again come to the realization that you are stuck like chuck, all you can do is make the best of it. Beauty queens swear by a thin coat of vaseline on the teeth to keep them smiling all pageant long, even when their toes are being mercilessly squashed in high heels. What’s good enough for Miss Universe is good enough for me. No one has to know what’s going on in my head, and at least I’ll look beautiful(ish) to boot.