I was a big cry baby way before I became a mother. I enjoy shedding a few tears to romantic comedies, commercials, talk shows award ceremonies, and even social media posts. I guess I just have an over-developed sympathy reflex. Pregnancy, however, sent me over the edge. I found myself crying at things that weren't sad at all, and once I had the baby, the list of things that made me cry when I was postpartum was hysterically long. Like, if I wasn't too busy crying I would have just been impressed.
At first my husband would look really concerned and baffled, trying to fix whatever he assumed was wrong as quickly as possible. Soon I took to mouthing "just hormones" as I wailed, so he knew it was nothing serious and that I literally had no control over my tear reflex. The worst weepy postpartum experience I had was when my son was 2 months old. I was waiting for a package to be delivered and had posted a note on my door, asking the mailman not to ring the doorbell as the baby was sleeping. He ignored that very obvious note and not only rang the doorbell, but also banged on the door loudly until my son woke up screaming from a nap that took me over an hour to get him to take.
The poor delivery guy must have wished he had a time machine, as a wailing new mom and matching howling infant opened the door, in floods of tears, pointing at the note and asking him, "Why?" That moment, and the following others, were just the tip of postpartum crying iceberg my friends.
I Watched A Military Family Reunite
Surprise! Reuniting children with their mothers and fathers who have been overseas serving is instant ugly cry fodder.
I Forgot My Bus Pass
It took me an hour to pack up everything I needed to leave the house with a baby in tow, and now I am at the bus stop without my bus pass and not enough spare change for the ride. Cue the tears, my friends.
I Watched A Mother's Day Commercials
Little kids thanking their moms for everything they do? Yeah, you might as well call me walking pile of crocodile tears. I am getting choked up just thinking about it.
My Husband Sent Me A Text
It only said "I love you" but it was all I needed for a 20 minute cry fest.
My Husband Didn't Send Me A Text
He didn't send me a message all day? What? Why does he hate me?
I Found A Tiny Sock
Finding unbelievably small items of clothing that somehow no longer fit my still-tiny infant always made me cry.
I Found Expired Cheesecake
Someone bought me cheesecake and it got lost at the back of the fridge. I found it a few weeks later and it was way past its sell by date. Why does my life suck so much?
The DVR Malfunctioned
My favorite show wasn't recorded and it was the season finale and now all is lost.
My Favorite Contestant Was Kicked Off My Favorite Reality Show
My favorite contestant was dropped from the reality show and it's so horribly unfair that I just cannot help but shed a tear. They are just so talented, you know?
I Listened To Lullabies
Oh my sweet heaven, every lullaby I sing my child is either insanely sad and touching, like James Taylor's "You've got a friend," or hideously cruel like "Rock-a-bye Baby."
I Watched My Baby Sleep
Look at his little tiny eyelashes! He's so damn adorable, it would be wrong not to cry.
I Tried Pooping
It really hurts at first, just so you know.
I Spilt Breast Milk
I pumped for 40 mins when I could have been sleeping, I filled up half of one of those tiny little bottles (a personal best, by the way), and I knocked it over as I was trying to put the lid on. There is no greater misery in life, in my humble opinion, than split breast milk.
My Mom Said I Was A Good Mom
After listening to me complain for half an hour about everything I was doing wrong and how my baby wouldn't sleep, she tells me I'm doing a great job and now I'm in tears.
My Husband Brought Me Ice Cream
I am just so, (gulp) grateful.
My Jeans Didn't Fit
Maybe I'll wear maternity clothes forever. That seems like a pretty understandable life choice.
I Watched A Funny Baby On YouTube
This baby on YouTube is so adorable, it makes me laugh and then cry. No logic to this new mom business, I tell ya!
I Cried Too Much
Why do I always (sob) cry so much (gulp)?
I Watched A Movie
I actually purposefully put this old Sally Fields movie on if I want to cry. It gets me going right about the time she realizes her husband isn't who she thought he was.
My Friend Didn't Email Me Back Right Away
I have no friends. No friends at all, I tell you!
Then I remember she does actually have a full-time job and probably can't reply to every message the second she gets it. Now I'm crying because I am the one who's a bad friend.
I Watched A Video Of A Cat
I love this cat so much but he always make me cry, I don't even know why. Damn you hormones!
My Quiche Had Bacon On It
I don't like bacon. I know, I know. So sue me, I still don't like eating it.
My Sweater Got Ruined In The Dryer
Not just any sweater, mind you: my favorite sweater. This is unacceptable.
My Cat Ignored Me
Why won't she play with me? Is it because I was preoccupied with the baby? Please fur baby, talk to me. This whole motherhood-having-to-pay-attention-to-the-baby thing isn't personal, I promise!
I Overcooked Dinner
It's such a small "mistake," in the big scheme of things, but it really made me feel like I couldn't do anything right as a mom. Ugh.
Someone Chose My Second (As Of Yet, Unborn) Baby Name
How dare they. I have had that name picked out since 5th grade, so can someone please explain to me how can people be so selfish!?
My Baby's Belly Button Scab Fell Off
I Watched Other Women's Births
I loved watching One Born Every Minute and reliving my own birth experience, complete with tears.
I Realized My Child's Birthday Is Also My Labor Anniversary
How have I only just realized this? All those years I should have been thanking my mom for giving me life, not just eating cake. After all, she did the same kind of hard work to bring me into the world, as I did to bring my son into the world. #Perspective
My Friend Announced She's Pregnant
I am just so happy for her that my joy has to come out through my eye holes.
My Doctor Said I Could Have Sex Again
While this would be some welcomed information to some women, I wasn't particularly looking forward to postpartum sex. So, yeah, I was kind of sad to hear that I was medically cleared to engage in some sexy time.
I Found My Childhood Teddy Bear
Geoffrey, I missed you so much, my dear friend.
I Watched Leo Finally Win An Oscar
It's about time and he just deserves it so much (sniff, sniff) you know? Like, he works so hard and he slept inside a dead animal just to get a shiny trophy.
My Baby Pulled My Hair
Maybe he doesn't like me? Why doesn't he like me, you guys? Was it the burnt dinner thing?
I Still Couldn't Stop Crying
I honestly cried more because I couldn't stop crying in the first place. Talk about a vicious cycle of endless hormones.
My Husband Said I Was Too Emotional
He's so mean and, well, factually correct.
I Was So Thirsty
I could drink and drink and drink and still be thirsty. I also needed to pee all the time, too, and that pretty much was the worst.
My Baby Kissed Me
He's probably just trying to extract milk but I am counting that as a kiss and it was adorable.
I Received An Incontinence Pad Sample In The Mail
I Was Losing My Hair
Because childbirth wasn't enough, apparently.
I Watched A 'Law And Order' Episode
I love crime shows, CSI, Law and Order, Criminal Minds; I am obsessed. However, now that I am a parent, I find any story line involving children to be way too much to handle. In other words, there's no way I'm making it through an episode without crying.
I Figured Out What Year My Son Will Go To College
I am already so proud.
Spellcheck Couldn't Understand Me
I make so many mistakes, I'm convinced spellcheck just gives up on me and offers no substitutions whatsoever. Ugh.
I Realized I Had A Whole Conversation With My Boob Hanging Out
While breastfeeding on demand I would often forget that bits of my body were exposed and innocently go about having normal conversations, only to die inside later when I realized.
I Had To Google Everything
I used to be, um. What's the word? Oh yeah, smart. I used to be smart.
I Wasn't Invited To A Party
The date clashed with my due date, but they could have asked me anyway. It's honestly like I don't even exist!
They Got My Delivery Order Wrong
They put hot peppers on my pizza. Why must I be persecuted like this?
I Looked Into The Future
I calculated what age I will be at various important milestones in my child's life and, well, I am so old!
My Coffee Got Cold
My one salvation in life is caffeine. I don't have time to remake it and everyone knows microwaving coffee is one step away from eating out of the garbage. Ugh.
My Baby Was Sick
What if he can't breathe? Should I take him to the doctors? Does that snot sucker thingy hurt him? Test his temperature again. Wait, is that a fever? So stressful! Just going to sit here and cry for a bit.
Because I Just Love My Baby So Much It Hurts
And I really do.